Anyways, on to people who take better, less dangerous vacations than me...Ali. Kris was kind enough to send me her thoughts and I was totally cracking up. I can't believe I never noticed Frank's thumb ring. And thank you, Kris!! Love your work.
Thanks for the extra-fab introduction, Kim! I’ve been reading Kim’s blog from the start and, of course, expected nothing less than witty, funny, and entertaining reviews. We do share the same loves: squirrels and reality TV! So, let’s get down to business, kids…THE BACHELORETTE!
Let me preface this blog by stating that I, in no way shape or form, watch this show with the fantasy that these people are actually going to fall in love, get married, and pop out other self-absorbed individuals, in the form of babies. I gave up on that hope after maybe Season 3. Now, it’s viewed for pure entertainment value in the hopes that girls will bitch slap each other to win the Bachelor or to develop drinking games based on the insane things the “characters” say (oops, I forgot to take a swig when they showed previews for the “Men Tell All” where Kasey said he was there to “guard and protect Ali’s heart” about 20 times. I’ll catch up on the drinking next week).
This week, we find ourselves in Tahiti, which according to Ali, is the “perfect place to fall in love”. Um, I’m pretty sure she’s said that every week on their world tour, but I digress. Her first date is with Roberto aka Hot Stud. He is so yummy with that smile and those dimples. I’m a little concerned with him getting dehydrated in Tahiti with the amount he was sweating, but that smile distracted me from worrying enough to reach for a Gatorade to share with him through my TV screen. It’s clear that Ali and Roberto have some crazy chemistry, but that’s about it. I’m pretty sure they said the words, “cool” and “awesome” several times during their limited conversations and Ali giggled like a hyena to fill the rest of the silence on the date (and more so, the silence in her head). Oh, and I just LOVE how Hot Stud was all “surprised” to get the note from Chris Harrison with the key to the Fantasy Room Suite. Come on, buddy! You’re not fooling me, even with your smoldering good looks and genuine eye contact. This is what, Season 845? EVERYONE knows that when you get to the top three you’re guaranteed sexy time with the bachelor/ette, which is why they screen for STDs. Not sure how some of these people make it through that test without getting red-flagged at the drive-thru clinic ABC probably uses. This date was filled with passion, but nothing to establish a long-term connection. I don’t really feel like I know Hot Stud, and I’m pretty sure that all Ali knows about him is that he looks hot in a baseball uniform and that his lips taste like grape candy (oh, wait…that’s my fantasy about Roberto).
Time for my one true love….Chris L.!!!!! Chris L., I love you. You’re sweet, funny, charming, down-to-earth, and close with your family. Sure, if we ever got together, I’d hide the big bottle of Dippity Do in your bathroom to help promote some natural-looking hairstyles, but that’s the only thing I’d change about you. When Chris and Ali are interacting, they look like two kids flirting with each other in a sandbox…laughing and teasing like they’ve known each other since Kindergarten. They’re playful, comfortable around each other, and have fun together. Plus, there’s some definite sizzle between these too now, so it’s like an extra bonus. I absolutely refuse to believe the online reports that he bar hops and picks up tons of women each weekend. That’s not “my Chris L.” My Chris L. plays Scrabble with his dad and mows the lawn/lines the driveway with colorful flowers every spring because it’s part of his landscaping design for his family’s adorable Cape Code house. If Ali doesn’t pick him, she is clearly deranged because (and yes, I’m going to say it) he’s VERY “pettable”. Yup, I would definitely pet him.
Oh, Frank….Frank. Frank. Frank. You spent the entire season begging Ali to stroke your ego and tell you how much she cares about you. Now, you’re trying to summon up the “courage and strength” to tell her you still love your ex –girlfriend, Nicole. Did anyone else notice that Nicole was incredibly airbrushed and wearing cute accessories for her surprise visit from Frank and the cameras?!?! “What are you doing here?” she squeals in shock as the makeup artist rushes from view to hide in the bathroom for touch ups later. God, I love scripted reality TV. Oh, and a note to Nicole… if Frank “completes you” then I’m very concerned about how empty your soul will still be when you two are actually together, honey. The only thing Frank fills is my mouth with vomit when he cries, begs for attention, and wears wife-beaters, which is pretty much the entire season. Oh, and let’s not forget about the thumb ring. Are two girls really into this guy and his poor taste in undershirts and jewelry?
Time to break the news of another tool in the group to Ali. Call in Super Host, Chris Harrison! I knew he’d play therapist to Frank and Ali during the emotional turmoil that would ensue. I seriously think that Chris H. should’ve pulled up a chair to one of the hammocks, charged each of them $100 to talk about their feelings, and then gone back to his hut to watch Survivor, while swearing that Jeff Probst probably makes ten times what he makes being the host of the Bachelor/ette. All Probst has to do is make sure to call the medics is someone faints. Chris Harrison has dealt with much worse drama (Vienna and Jake, Jason/Molly/Melissa threesome) and probably gets paid pennies in comparison. Technically, Ali spent her third date with Chris Harrison. Why wasn’t he in the running for a rose? He’s loyal, caring, always there during a scandal, and asks the tough questions before rose ceremonies, such as “What’s been going on?”
Here’s another reason I know I watch this show for pure entertainment. When Frank was telling Ali he was going back to his ex and she was crying, all I found myself saying in my head, “God, can’t the stylist touch up her roots? Why are those extensions so heinous? Where’d she get that cute yellow ring? I wonder what she’ll wear to the rose ceremony. Wasn’t she supposed to get fat during the season? She still looks way skinny in those bikinis. I was promised her gaining weight!” I felt nothing for her emotions.
Cheers to Kim for letting me “co-blog” for her this week! I am counting down the moments until Ali hands out a final rose, breaks up with the “lucky” guy is, and then shockingly accepts a guest spot on some CW show.