The Bachelor: Quite Possibly, the Most Uncomfortable 'After the Final Rose' Ever
The Bachelor: This Relationship Is Going to Last All of Three Days. In Fact, They've Probably Already Broken Up
Wow, where to start?
First, I'm happy I don't have to come up with subtitles anymore. "The Bachelor: Contractually Obligated to Find Love This Time Around" is a mouthful. Whatever happened to "On the Wings of Love?" What will Ashley Herbert's season be like -- some kind of constant dental pun?
Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't have to think about Ashley until May 23rd, so I have a lovely two month hiatus. In the meantime, we'll all be watched the trainwreck that is Emily and Brad (henceforth known as "Bremily") impode. Slowly, like their speech. (sorry, Southern readers.)
So let's go back to the beginning, when Chantal O was still in the picture. It's South Africa, Brad's family showed up, Brad wept like a little girl, and then Brad's family wept when Emily told them her tale of woe. I'm not going to lie, I teared up too, despite the fact I've heard the story about 30 times now. But it's a tear-jerker and the family definitely loved the little blond. Chantal didn't seem to get much love, but I was also distracted as I was playing Angry Birds during her family date.
(what? We're trying to get three stars on every level. This requires dedication.)
Despite the fact that USWeekly disclosed the winner and ruined it for us West Coasters, the producers made it fairly obvious Emily was the final one standing. Aside from Brad telling the camera he wanted to tell Emily he loved her during their last night together, Brad looked bored swimming with sharks with Chantal. Just a little FYI: when you're in love, going to Walgreens is an adventure. If swimming with sharks doesn't do it for you, nothing is going to do it for you. The relationship is dunzo. Chantal O's goose was cooked even before Emily pressed Brad for some level of realism (that he failed to give her), yet she seemed to be the only one oblivious to it.
Okay, I really want to get to the 'After the Final Rose' stuff (was there really couples' intervention, or was I hallucinating?), but I first must comment on Chantal O's final outfit. When she was crying in the limo, I really wanted to feel sorry for her, but I was just so stunned (and distracted) by the enormous amount of crap she had adorned herself with that all I could sum up was a mild level of pity. Those black feathers on her shoulder, the dangly earrings, the piles of chunky bracelets...it was overwhelming. Chantal, you are a pretty girl. You don't need all of this...flair. Take Coco Chanel's advice and look at yourself before you leave your house. Then remove one accessory. Please.
Anywho, let's get to the final rose. Emily accepted (after the gratuitous diamond porn by Neil Lane...drool...) and they cut immediately to 'After the Final Rose.' And per the, um, happy couple, it hasn't been all roses. They described the horror that Monday night has become, the despair on Tuesday morning, and the "knock-down" fights they've had over the phone. Prior to taping this show, they hadn't seen each other in a month. Emily even uttered the phrase, "fresh start." Okay, I'm not marriage and family therapist (oh wait! I AM!) but I can tell you, if the couple is using phrases like "fresh start" and "lots of issues to work out now" before marriage, it doesn't bode well for future happiness.
On one hand, I have to give Emily credit for being so darn (and irritatingly so) realistic. Also, love the new (and much needed) low-lights. Em knows that relationships are tough. She isn't going to gloss over her feelings. She isn't going to get into anything so permanent as marriage without a thorough vetting of her partner. But at the same time, she's mad about stuff he did on the show? How is that possible? You met him as a result of the show. Of course there were other women. It's the premise of the show. I feel like this is the Camille Grammar defense - the "I can't believe he cheated on me, even though you cheated on your wife with me." You don't get to be upset, Emily. You can be upset about other stuff -- his temper (RED FLAG, sister), leaving his socks on the floor, that annoying way he eats cereal, but not about this. This was part of the gig, and you just need to accept it and move on.
And what's up with her critique of herself? I feel like she was way too hard on herself, and we're witnessing a very insecure, very young lady come into an arena she has no business being in. She had to grow up fast due to Ricky Bobby, for sure, but at the same time, I feel like she needs to weather a few adult, mature relationships before she can even consider an engagement. She is only 24, and last night, she acted her age. I felt like she was throwing a little tantrum on stage and half expected her to stomp her feet as she complained she got the "boring"dates.
And now let's get to Brad. This dude...I'm sorry, he's a jerk. I don't think he's ever moved past the idea that his future wife is going to be nothing but a pretty accessory on his arm. He repeatedly called his fiance 'that' or 'it' - did anyone else notice? Maybe he was talking about marriage or engagement, but those are institutions, not people. I think he's more smitten with the idea of being in love that he is with Emily. I think he wants a woman with no opinions, no independent thoughts, and a person who exists solely to make him feel like a man. I hate to break it to Brad, but no woman, whether feminist Yank or Southern Belle, is going to be that person for him. The more he tries to fit her into his little mold (and she resists), the angrier he is going to get. So maybe it's time for Brad to rethink why he wants to be in a relationship, since he seems incredibly inflexible about a lot of his attitudes.
On a totally different level, what was up with that horribly awkward Bachelor reunion? I felt like we were witnessing some kind of church group intervention. You could tell Emily was pissed - she clearly doesn't take advice from anyone (I like to call it "Attack of the 20-somethings" - you know, when you were in your mid-20s and you didn't listen to anyone because you knew everything? Yeah, that). But she smiled and patted Brad's arm and fumed silently. I'd be willing to bet Brad was mad, embarrassed, and thinking about the anxiety meds he left backstage. (I'm guessing here, people. Just guessing). Overall, I'd imagine that once the cameras stopped rolling, the happy (cough) couple headed back to their respective corners to put the gloves back on. Round 432!
Does Jaime Greene work with couples? Paging every therapist in the LA area. Stat!
Before we wrap up yet another season, I'd like to thank some people. First, big thanks to my loving, devoted, and generous husband. Not only did he give up the TV every Monday night, he also provided lots of yummy snacks during virwi. Second, I'd like to thank Scotty-bear for never waking up past 8pm on a Monday night, allowing me to view the show with (most) rapt attention. Third, I'd like to thank you, my readers, for providing all kinds of fabulous, witty, and fun insight into one the world's silliest TV shows. I love the conversations on Facebook, the emails I get, and all of your comments. If I could, I'd give all of your roses. :-)
See you all on May 23rd!