I know, I know - Scotty is almost a month old. And he hasn't been many places, mainly due to his neurotic mother's extreme anxiety over dehydration, germs, and traffic. (try living in Vegas when it's 90+ degrees and people drive like, well, Californians. Sorry, California.)
I think my mom is trying to prep me for her departure this Friday by having me do many baby-related activities. It's like the Baby Olympics around here. I did my night feed last Saturday when she stayed with my dad in his hotel room. Yesterday she left me alone for almost three hours to fend for myself (and the baby). I managed to take a shower, dry my hair, and put makeup on - on while feeding Scotty, burping Scotty, and changing Scotty. Today's goal was two-fold: bath the baby AND take the baby outside of the house.
For all of you laughing at my total incompetence as a mother, let me just remind you: this is freaking hard work. Loving your child is instinctual, but caring for your child...not instinctual. At least not for me. I wake up every night when my alarm goes off (time to pump...or time to make the doughnuts, as Brian and I call it) and it takes me several seconds to realize, "I HAVE A CHILD." Yes, I forget about Scotty while I sleep. This is causing me horrible guilt, as does walking downstairs after taking a shower to find my mom feeding the baby and the surprise that goes through my head, "OH CRAP! I HAVE A BABY! WHERE DID HE COME FROM?" I'm telling you, something short-circuited in my brain during delivery (along with my bladder memory, too). Making the transition from normal working person to mother has been a hard one for me. I'm slowly getting used to this, but it's hard. Very, very hard.
And so, as the Baby Olympics continue, our goal was not surprisingly Babies R Us. It only took us four stops home (forgot the stroller, forgot the milk, etc) before we were officially on the road. And in typical Kim fashion, I tried to do more than I could - because if we're out, why NOT try to cram in as many stops as possible? First stop, Starbucks. Well, if we're at Starbucks, why not stop by my office and pick up the mail and say hi to my former co-workers? That involved several phone calls and I almost backed into another car while I was on my cell phone. Watching my mom cling onto the passenger side door with fear in her eyes made me put the phone down. And then we hit Babies R Us, only to drop $200 on virtually nothing, and then it was on to Bed, Bath & Beyond...only until my mom reminded me Scotty probably had to eat soon. So we shelved BB&B until tomorrow , but then I had to go to the bank for stamps...you see how this happens? It's like the multi-tasker in me is fighting the mother in me. A war is raging. Did I mention Brian's dry cleaning is still on our closet floor? Must...not...go...to...the...dry...cleaners...
By the time we got home, yes, Scotty did need to eat. And he punished me by slurping down his delicious lunch while mine sat there getting cold for a good 40 minutes. Three diapers, two burps and one bottle later, I scarfed down a sandwich, only to run upstairs to do what I always do...pump.
Somehow, it's already 4pm and I have no idea where the day went. All I know is that motherhood is HARD. I like to be productive, and this 'baby first' stuff is killing me. Love the baby, hate the slowness of my life now. I'm trying to tell myself that this is the worst of it and I need to enjoy this time (ha!), but it's hard. I like to move quickly, and this child...he does not move quickly.
I really should be napping now but the laundry just buzzed and I'm still blogging. Is there such thing as Motherhood ADHD? Seriously. Because that is how my brain feels right now. All I want to do is just slow down and focus. It requires Herculean strength to do that. I do feel better talking to other people, however, who all echoed my thoughts: "I thought this baby would fold right into my life. Boy, was I wrong!" Yup. My life is now Scotty's life. And either he needs to catch up with me, or I need to slow down to match his. Wonder who'll win...