Editor's Note: I am in Indiana for the next few weeks and unable to watch 'The Bachelorette,' mainly because I cannot inflict that kind of torture on my mother. She asks a lot of questions and although men and women dating on TV with roses and a host is totally commonplace to me, I guess it's not to her. So I enlisted the help of my trusty former intern (and native Spanish speaker, as you will remember the Alejandro 'commitment/compromise' debacle) Mariana to write this week's review. She lives in San Diego with her husband, new (adorable!) baby girl and some good friend who also enjoy The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. Thanks, Mariana!! Great review!
 
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I’d like to dedicate this blog post to my friends Ellen and Megan. They have been coming to my home for our weekly date with Chris Harrison for about a year now. We kept it going throughout my pregnancy and even three days after my baby was born. It’s my favorite night of the week because I get to feel like my old self again, wine glass in hand and witty banter while we poke fun of the show. Girls, this one is for you!

Emily and her suitors traveled to Croatia this week; Ricky Bobby
went home with her nanny. I guess we won’t be seeing anymore video montages of what a wonderful mommy Emily is anymore, DARN! And poor Emily still sounds hoarse, as Megan quickly diagnosed her with
mono.

Travis got the first date and Emily declared, as usual, “I feel
that (fill in the blank) is perfect for this date!” And Travis predictably expressed “There is no one I'd rather be with right now!” They did the touristy thing and hit the streets of some city in Croatia I can’t pronounce let alone spell. They danced to a street musician in some ally (totally scripted), had “ice cream” (pretty sure it was Gelato), and practiced the local romance ritual of the area like they have done in the last five episodes. In the end Emily sent Travis packing and explained that she just didn’t have romantic feelings for him. We are pretty sure he was also sent home on an empty stomach, poor fella. And to add insult to injury she told him “Bye honey”. Really…honey?!
Travis looked pretty devastated as he walked away crying and threw his umbrella aside. 

Emily chose Doug, Wolf (John), Jef, Arie, Sean, and Chris for the group date. ABC plugged the new Disney movie Brave by having the clan watch the movie and later dress in kilts to compete in highland games. I’m geographically impaired but what the heck does Scotland have
to do with Croatia?! Is there so little to do in Croatia that the entire date had to be inspired by a Disney movie?! We did appreciate the gratuitous footage of the guys stripping down to change into their kilts though, and who doesn’t love bagpipes? Thanks ABC!

It was kind of pathetic watching the guys shivering in their kilts why they tried to impress Emily. The two beefcakes, Doug and Sean looked awesome and did really well. Chris won the award/chalice, for his “bravery” because he chose to compete against Sean even though he knew he didn’t stand a chance. Emily kissed him when they had some alone time and she told him that she missed him.


This week Emily donned a sparkly number for all her evening dates. A few of the one-on-one times were highlighted. Emily assured Sean that they feel the same for each other and she wants him to remain confident “now and in the future when things get harder”. It looks like he will stick around awhile which is cool, we like Sean.

Arie disclosed feeling anxious about how they left things in
London and that he didn’t stand up for her. But she reassured him that shelikes spending time with him and so he pressed her up against a wall for a sexy make-out session.


Jef, ever the gentleman, gave Emily his coat and told her“like I
get really excited to hang out with you. I feel like…like…like”. I lost track of all the likes in his interaction with Emily. But she did ask him “What took you so long to kiss me?”, which of course got the sexuality questions in our minds stirring. His response did not disappoint, “I’m scared of you!”(Because she has a vagina??) At which Emily responded “you keep me guessing” Yeah, us too! She gave the rose to Chris but I can’t remember why because I was too busy making
fun of one-f Jef. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a super nice guy and maybe he is LDS or just super metro. 

Ryan apparently took three hours to get ready for his date because Chris claims that Ryan “shaves his legs and plucks his finger
hairs.” Emily and Ryan drove to their date, Oyster fishing. They flirted with each other on the way their and Emily explained that she knows 
Ryan is trouble but finds him endearing and senses good chemistry between them. In the evening  Emily asked her usual and appropriate questions, one being “What role do you see your wife playing in your life?”  Ryan’s response, “Not just a trophy .“ Emily was alarmed,
“there’s that word again!” Then Ryan tried one of his tricks again and pulled out a list he created of “12 things I want in a wife”, but thankfully, Emily didn’t fall for this one. Emily confidently explained that she does not want to have to fit into someone else’s mold, go Emily! And she was disappointed that having a loving family was not on his list. So she took the rose and told him that even though he is good looking and a good kisser, they just don’t want the same things in a relationship.

This is where it gets creepy.

Red flags, domestic violence creepy. He tried to intimidate her by staring her down and taking advantage of her insecurities. He is a manipulative narcissist. But good-ol Emily held fast and sent him off.

But Ryan did not go quietly into the night.

On his way out he described himself as a “winner” and proceeded
to compare himself to the “greatest men in the world”. Then, (and this is my favorite part) he looks to the crew and asks the editors to portray him for who he “really is” and “not an arrogant ass”. I don’t think all the editing in the world would have helped you Ryan, unless you were just edited off entirely. The guys back in headquarters were happy to see his suitcase, I mean duffle bag, taken away. One-f-Jef correctly surmised that Ryan really only came on the show
because he wants to be the next bachelor. 

Later that evening Aries sneaks off to see Emily and praise her
for her good judgment in kicking Ryan off. Emily was excited that someone “finally” came to visit her. He lounged on her bed and they played and made out. They seem to really fit well together and Arie later told the cameras that he is falling in love with Emily. 

The evening of the rose ceremony, Emily expressed that Doug and
Wolf were on the bubble this week. During John’s one-on –one time, he and Emily bonded over the loss of loved ones and shared their first kiss. Doug told Emily that he knows her relationships with the other men are growing and he is falling behind. But he still didn’t kiss her. The men have dubbed him Humble Doug. Emily told him that she wants him to be Confident Doug. Later during a camera interview Doug cried about missing his son, it was sweet. 

The rose ceremony had an interesting twist with Emily excusing
herself when she got to the last rose so she could speak with Chris. She told Chris she didn’t know what to do. When she returned, she told the guys that she could not hand out the final rose, pause for dramatic effect…then Chris brings in an extra rose!!!! They both get to stay and they all live happily ever after…until next week where they finally show the preview of Emily finding out about Arie’s previous relationship. But, as Ellen pointed out, there are no beaches in Prague (they showed a beach scene) so we may have to wait a little
longer.

My one lingering question after watching Monday's episode...

how the heck does Jef know what a Chloe bag is?

Had he said Chanel...or Louis Vuittan...or heck, even Coach, I would have not batted an eyelash. But Chloe? Really? That seems kind of a reach for most guys. If I asked my husband to describe Chloe to me, he would probably ask, "Is that a friend of yours? Is she in Junior League?"

As Mariana so aptly pointed out last week, we're still not 100% sure what team Jef is playing for. The Chloe comment only deepens the mystery. And his hesitancy to kiss Emily really makes me question things. But more on that in a moment.

(Also, I'm short on time, so this will be an abbreviated entry)

So we start with Emily and Ricky in London - yay double decker buses! Scotty would have been equally excited to see a red double decker up close. Emily picked Sean for the first date, and he strikes me as this season's Tenley - sweet, not a drama-creator, gets along with everyone. But at the same time, not a lot of fire. Emily and Sean took in the sights ("I should know what that is," said Sean as they passed Big Ben. Yup, you should), kissed for the camera, and Sean made a somewhat-decent speech on Speaker's Corner. (I think I got that name right.) They then had dinner at the Tower of London where - ew - people were like, murdered and tortured and stuff. Not my pick for a romantic, candle-lit dinner, but whatever floats Emily's boat. I liked her sense of humor when she told Sean to play his cards right or ::swish::! Off with his head.

She didn't behead him though - he got the rose.

On to the group date. I'm going to skip all the silly Romeo-Juliet-stuff (although Arie made an adorable nurse) and get right to the good stuff: the "Ricky is baggage" comment. So Doug overheard Kalon say this statement, and told Emily during their alone time during the group date. Emily immediately took action. Doug rallied the boys up, Emily confronted Kalon, Kalon stammered and tried to back-track without really apologizing (not a good move, dude - ask any husband out there. You never do that. Always apologize first) and Emily told him to "get the f*** out." Aw, snap. Kalon got the f*** out, Doug looked mighty pleased with himself, and Emily gave no one a rose, declaring herself tired and very upset.

What is fascinating about this exchange is this is essentially what happened during Ben's season's regarding Courtney. Yes, no one called his non-existent child "baggage," but the girls felt very strongly about warning Ben about a woman in their presence that they felt did not have his best interests at heart. What happened, however, is nothing like Emily's reaction - Ben admonished Emily (another Emily, not this one) and told her to "tread lightly." It, in effect, destroyed any chance at a relationship between Ben and Emily.

Now, I'm not sure if Ben and the Other Emily (let's call her Dr. Emily, shall we?) had a chance at a relationship, but I think it's interesting to note how men and women handle this kind of situation so differently. Emily (our Emily) expected the men to tell her about Kalon's admission, and when they didn't, she felt disrespected. She took it out hardest on the guy she likes the most, Arie. All of the men said something to the effect of, "I assumed she knew what she was doing" and "She would see through Kalon soon enough and it didn't require me saying something." Emily, however, took this as a breach of loyalty from the men. And Ben, as we know, ended up protecting Courtney since he felt as though she was getting picked on by the other girls. Just so I have this straight, Ben ended up siding with the person who was allegedly in it for the wrong reasons, whereas Emily took action and immediately dismissed the person. Interesting, no?

That aside, I really think her connection with Jef deepened as a result of this whole situation. She was hurt and wounded and he just happened to get the one-one-one date with her the day after all of this went down. She confided to him about her hurt feelings and he comforted her. There weren't a lot of sparks in the "egg" - what was that thing? - but he did go in for a kiss (finally!) as they gazed at the Thames River. Finally, Jef. Finally.

Now, on to Jef's er, sexuality. Yes, the Chloe bag comment was a little surprising. And his romantic timidness is a bit suspicious until I remembered he's from Salt Lake City. I'm not sure if he is LDS or was LDS (I'm not saying you have to be Mormon if you are from SLC, but there's a good chance), but his religious views may be having an affect on his romantic behavior. Maybe he's just a bit more of a slow mover than the rest of the lotharios (Ryan, I'm looking at you.) This isn't a bad thing, it's just the way he is. He strikes me as very serious and does jump into things quickly. I gotta respect him for that. Either way, it should be interesting to see how it plays out.

In the end, it was Alejandro the mushroom farmer from MN that got the boot. I think we all agree that he never really stood a chance of going the distance with Emily, but he certainly seemed like a sweet guy who didn't get much camera time. Best of luck, Alejandro.

Next week, the crew travels to Croatia and it looks amazing there. In the previews, Emily was shown yelling at producers, demanding to know, 'Who else is not here for me?' making me wonder what went down. It also makes me wonder if all of the guys are going to start ratting each other out at any given moment since Emily rewarded Doug's disclosure of information so highly.  And - spoiler alert - US Weekly is claiming that Arie gets the boot because he failed to acknowledge a past relationship with one of the show's producers to Emily, and when she finds out, she cuts him immediately. Whoa, girlfriend. Slow your roll. The relationship was in 2003, a year before you even had Ricky. Everyone has a past. And besides, if Arie doesn't win, who does?? Jef? Chris??

All of a sudden, this got interested.

Your thoughts? 

Like all great epics, this tale will be divided into three parts.

Part I: The Hike

"An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day."
                                                                -- Henry David Thoreau

Clearly, HD did not walk with a pack of toddlers.

                                    ***********************************

Kim: Hey all! Let's go to Mount Charleston on Monday with the kids! It'll be fun!

Deana and Courtney: Yeah! That sounds good!

Narrator: Pride comes before the fall.

::insert ominous music here::

After a mostly unadventurous trip up the hill (I rode with Deana and her boys while Courtney separately), we arrived at the base of Mary Jane Falls. I knew there was no chance of all of us actually getting to the top with five toddlers in tow - it's a 2-mile trek uphill - I thought we could at least make it to the start of the trail head. Brian and I had done the same trek with Scotty a few weeks ago and it worked great.

I underestimated the power of the resistant toddler. Particularly the resistant toddler in a group of his peers.

Sam (age 2) started the party off with a lively discussion about Blue Bunny being left in the car. She, through a series of high-pitched screams, conveyed to us that she was deeply concerned that we had intentionally left Blue Bunny in the car. Did we know about bunnies and hot cars? Do we really think this is a good idea? Blue Bunny may be scared or hot or lonely. Are we aware that Blue Bunny is her best friend? She felt it was best to relay this information to us by a steadfast refusal to walk up the trail, and instead, to kick, scream, and cry.

We had hiked approximately 50 yards when Courtney just completely lost it.

Usually the most mellow mom out of the group, Courtney could handle Sam's incessant whining no more. She looked at both Deana and I, hissed "I'm going to go get the [bleeping] [bleep] bunny from the [bleeping] car. Do you think that will quiet her down? What the [bleep]?" and took off down the trail at 60 mph.

Scotty paid no attention to any of chaos. Like a tiny Henry David Thoreau, the mountains are his special place and he appreciates the solitude of the area. So much so, he insisted on walking 20 yards behind us at any given moment.

I admit, I get this weird itch (not the literal kind) when I'm outdoors.  As in, I want to go further and faster and see more stuff and get it all in. (I think this is why I like Boot Camp and running outside so much). This is incredibly annoying to just about anyone who is with me. Scott, as described above, is just about the complete opposite. He is the slowest slow poke of all of the pokes. And it makes me crazy. Consequently, I spent much of the morning yelling, "Hurry up! C'mon Scotty! PICK UP THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"

I'm sure the other hikers just loved us. 

Once Blue Bunny had been appropriately extradited from the vehicle, Sam was free to enjoy the hike unencumbered. Scotty, however, decided he wanted her Veggie Sticks and began bugging her. She refused. A lot of yelling ensued. I think an elbow was thrown.

Scotty finally gave up and decided to do some digging of his own. 

Meanwhile, the twins (also age 2 - that's four two year-olds, in case you are counting) were giving Deana a run for her money by tearing down the trail at a breakneck pace (Scott, are you reading this? It is possible to move faster than .02 miles per hour) and going in complete opposite directions. Jackson has dreams of becoming the next Bear Grylls as he was diving into logs, rooting in the underbrush, and climbing up and down rock formations. Alex preferred to beg his mother for snacks and beverages while running away from her. Deana used most of her time either throwing food at Alex while simultaneously pulling Jackson from whatever stump/rock/tree Jackson managed to climb into/on top of/through.

Carson was clearly turned off by all of this juvenile behavior. When you are four and the rest of the gang is two, it's hard not to feel a little superior. I actually found myself counting on Carson like another adult (so it was four against four, not five against three) as we marched up the hill.

The adults (and the four-year old) finally gave up. We threw snacks at the children and called it quits.

At this point, we had been hiking for approximately 16 minutes.

After snack time, we tried to pose the kids on a fallen tree. Seeing as though his feet were three inches off the ground (egads!), Super-Cautious-Bear had a meltdown. No Mommy! Too high! I could fall and...wrinkle my sock. The horror!

As Courtney remarked as we made our way back to the cars, "Our children are kind of soft." She said this just as I turned around to watch Scotty lose his footing, tumbled gently to the ground, land on his very squishy bottom, inexplicably flop on his back, and wave his arms and legs around while screaming at the top of his lungs. He looked like a chubby, helpless tortoise.

Soft, indeed.

Part II: The Pond

We made our way to the Lodge for a quick lunch. The kids loved it because there was a giant man-made pond in front of the hotel, complete with two white ducks. While the adults sat down, attempted to catch their breath, and ordered lunch, the children took great fun in throwing whatever objects they could into the pond. Courtney noted that the water was not clear and it looked like a giant cess pool. We all shuddered, wondering which one of us was going to have to go in the water to retrieve a toy/an article of clothing/a child first.

Ten minutes later, we got our answer. Jackson, President of the Pushing Limits Club, picked up his little toy car and waved it dangerously over the pond water. "Jackson!" screamed Deana. "Don't do it! If you throw that car in, I'll - " and he cut her off by chucking the tiny car into the water with one swift motion. It made a "bloop!" and then disappeared in its watery grave, gone forever.

Courtney and I gasped.

Deana fell silent. All of the kids whipped around to see her reaction.

Deana jumped into action and dragged Jackson away by his limbs from the edge of the water. She put him in time-out, came back to the table and announced in her best Italian accent, "Lightening McQueen sleeps with the fishes."  The three of us tried our best to mask our laughter since Jackson was still in time-out and all four of the kids were watching us.

Ah, Motherhood. Where was our food again? Does the Lodge serve wine? Oh right, it's only 10:45am.

Part III: The Drive Home

By the time we left the Lodge, we had three very tired two-year olds. Courtney headed off in her own direction, and Deana and I loaded our gang into their three-deep backseat. I'm not sure if you've ever seen three car seats squished together in the back seat of a car, but it's kind of cute.

The children, however, are not.

Scott, having spent the drive up teaching the twins how to swear and spit ("Alex! Say 'dammit!' Say 'dammit pfffffft!') , spent the drive home poking, slapping, and messing with a very tired Jackson. Every time I looked back, his hand was creeping over the imaginary line that divided the seats. Jackson was having none of this.

"Scotty's hitting me!" he wailed.

Scotty grinned with malicious satisfaction.

And I turned into my mother.

"YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF! DO YOU HEAR ME? WE WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER!  YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"

just like that, it was like it was 1986 and we were driving through the Black Hills of South Dakota. Scotty was me, Jackson was my sister, I was my mom, and everyone was miserable.

Deana, in an effort to turn this situation around, turned on every single Music Together CDs from the past two years. We sang, clapped, and bounced around in the front seat in an effort to distract Scotty and Jackson from killing each other and to keep Alex awake, who was quickly descending into sleepy-time territory, despite the cacophony in the car.

Yes folks, this is what Hell looks like.

Epilogue

I spent the rest of the day on the couch. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

Mt. Charleston: 1, Mom's Group: 0.

Well played, Mt Chuck. Well played.

-- "Cry it out" is code for "I can't f'ing deal with this anymore."

-- There is no 10-second rule. It's more like, "You're fine to eat as long as no animal has licked it. Besides, the fruit-snack supply is running low. Beggars can't be choosers."

-- Your children's food is actually delicious. You will eat it often. I mean, when's the last time you had chicken nuggets with strawberry milk? Totally beats a grilled chicken salad with no dressing.

-- Due to constant, repeated viewings, the characters in your child's TV shows become more attractive over time. Call it mere exposure effect (or Stockholm Syndrome), but Whyatt's brother Jack on "Super Why!" has a cute Justin-Beiber-thing going on. And I'm pretty confident Mr. Noodle on Sesame Street (the young one, not the old one) is a certified hottie underneath the wig and make-up.

-- Most of the time, you will have no idea what your kid is talking about. For example, the other day, my son asked me to go to the pharmacy to buy a blue dairy truck. This means nothing to me. I just nodded my head and said, "Sure, honey. Later."

-- "Later" in ParentWorld means, "Never."

-- When you read stories about other people's children (like the three year old that got kicked off an airplane because he had to power down his iPad), part of you will be insanely amused while the rest of you says a silent prayer: "Please, please, please Lord don't ever let this be me."

-- You will love your children's lovies just as much as they do. When Froggie went missing last month, I thought a little piece of me had died. (He was later safely recovered in the back of the car.) Funny how worn blankets and beaten-up stuffed animals find a way into your heart.

-- "Summer Camp" are the two most beautiful words in the entire English language.

Before we discuss the most recent episode of "The Bachelorette," first I need to state that my family vacationed in Bermuda when I was 15. It was quite possibly the greatest trip of my life. For two weeks, we stayed at the Pink Beach Club in Tucker's Town in a cute little seaside cottage. We snorkeled, went deep sea fishing, shopped, and played tennis. It was wonderful. The trip was almost 20 years ago, but seeing the pink and yellow houses brought it back instantly, so I will admit - I spent more time focusing on landmarks on the island than paying attention to Emily and her suitors.

Memories aside, is it me or is this season started to seem a little...slow? I'm struggling to care about the guys at this point - Arie seems like such clear cut winner that I'm having trouble focusing on everything else. Doug's "perfect" answers are wearing thin, Chris is too young, Jef stumbled out of the gate and just can't seem to catch the momentum that Arie has - leaving the race car driver as the winner. Maybe I'm dead wrong about that, but it seems fairly obvious at this point.

Emily is content to play on the beach with Ricky Bobby and dream of returning to the island with her "husband and babies, maybe pushing a baby stroller." Whoa, whoa, girlfriend. Slow your roll. You've known all of these dudes for less than 4 weeks - let's put the baby-stroller-dreams aside for a second. You have a one-on-one date to attend.

Doug landed the first date and you would have thought they asked him to walk through hot lava. He immediately began fretting, leaving him fair game for ridicule by the other guys. And he got mad, fast. Arie said it best - "Doug ANGRY. Doug SMASH. Doug sad." Hee, hee. I like Arie.

Emily really means business when she says she wants to find a husband, as she forced Doug to walk through the little shops in Hamilton and pretend to admire blown glass. Not sure if this date was her idea or production is really suffering budget issues, but Emily, live it up! Whatever ABC offers you, accept it! Go paragliding/hand-gliding/scuba diving or any other -diving related activity. Those activities are spendy, and once you have babies, you won't be able to do or afford any of that fun stuff. Live it up! Let's face it - shopping for coral necklaces makes for extremely dull TV.

(Editor's note: the perfume factory is still there! We went there!)

They talked, walked, and sat on the steps of a church. (::yawn::) Emily pressed Doug for serious answers, and he did the "turn-flaws-into-positive-attributes" thing. Yes Doug, we know you care too much and are too hard of a worker. Those are not bad things. I'm willing to bet Doug has a very serious dark side in there (as it started to come out during the guys' ribbing of him earlier that day), but he keeps it tightly contained. The Incredible Hulk is an excellent analogy - thank you, Arie.

There was no smoochie on this date and Doug referred to himself in the third person. I'm giving him 2 more episodes before he's toast.

On the group date, Emily saw fit to put the men on giant boats after a 20 second sailing lesson and have these amped-up alpha males careen around a harbor. Yikes. And then a third boat came into the harbor dumping explosive green slime and all of the boats blew up in a giant fireball. Oh wait, that was on Game of Thrones. My bad. No, these guys just took these massive, probably-incredibly-expensive boats and flipped around on them in a race to spend more time with Emily. The mellow-yellow team won, leaving the red team heartbroken and sobbing in the van. I will not make fun of Charlie, since I have a soft spot in my heart for the guy. Hang in there, bud. We known you are hurting.

After Emily and Arie made out on the beach for what seemed like forever, she and her white afghan blanket made the rounds with the other boys, making small talk with them while pretending to be interested (but secretly thinking about Arie the whole time).  I bet you any money a producer told her to give the rose to Jef to make it seems less obvious that Arie is her main guy. She's kissed some of the other guys, but you can tell - she and Arie just dig each other.

After the group date, she had to suffer through the dreaded two-on-one date with Wolf and Nate. Neither of these guys have been given much face-time, leading me to believe their Bachelorette-stint will also be short-lived. I'm not sure who chose a cave as the perfect setting for dinner (yikes! How claustrophobic did that look??) but Emily looked as though she'd rather be swimming with sharks than on this date. In the end, Nate got the boot, but that's okay since sources are claiming that not even his real name and he is an actor from Hollywood. Once again, great job, casting department.

Finally at the rose ceremony, Doug and Chris engaged in some contrived banter about Chris' age and his ability/inability to walk into a parenting role. Emily, bless her heart, told Chris H that based on what she's seen so far, all of the drama in the house tends to revolve around two guys: Ryan or Doug. Bravo, Emily! Thank you for seeing people who they are really are.

I haven't talked much about Ryan here, but let's face it - this guy is digging his own grave, one stupid comment at a time. From the "I'd love you but not love on you" comment about her future weight gain to "You are a role model for millions of little girls" (huh??), the boy needs to pull it together. He's a condescending, judgmental jerk that stands about as much of a chance of becoming the next Bachelor as my friend's basset hound. (No offense to JD - he's a great dog - it's just not going to happen). I'm not really clear as to why Emily is keeping him around, though producers may be whispering in her ear that he's the guy America is going to love to hate. And his comments make for entertaining TV.

In the end, it was Charlie (::sniff::), Michael (who??) and Nate who left Bermuda. The kids go to London next week, that tiny town in England that hasn't been in the news at all lately. (Happy Diamond Jubilee!)

So what are your thoughts? When does Doug's mask fall off and we all see him as a green hulk? Does Ryan force Emily to start working out? When is Jef going to make his move? And finally, who calls Ricky Bobby "baggage?" My money is on Kalon aka Christian Grey. Tune in next week!

Twelve weeks until the race:

Hey! Let's sign up for this race! It would be fun to run X number of miles/climb through a bunch of obstacles/dress like a Leprechuan/run through some old tunnels! Sign me up!!

I'll start training next week.

Eleven weeks until the race:

Oof. This is harder than I thought. Wow, my legs really hurt. Gosh, I'm kind of fat. I think I need to get new shoes. Yup, new shoes. That's my problem. I'll just get some new sneaks and I'll be on fire! Let's gooooo!

Ten weeks until the race:

Man, I love my new shoes! I'm feeling great!

Nine weeks until the race:

God I'm tired. My legs ache, my back hurts...why does my back hurt? I don't even use my back. I should probably cross-train. I probably need new shoes.

Eight weeks until the race:

Now everything on my body hurts, including my arms. Why did I think this was a good idea? I know, I'll just take a few days off to recover. Just a little vacation from all of this training and I'll be good as new.

Seven weeks until the race:

Holy sh*tballs, why did I take so much time off? I feel awful! I've lost all of my conditioning and endurance! Oh my God it's like starting all over again! And there are only seven weeks until the race! I know - I'll recruit some friends to do the race with me! Misery loves company, right?

Six weeks until the race:

I feel awesome! I can do this! I am KING OF THE WORLD!

Five weeks until the race:

I'm so bleeping tired I can't even hold my head upright anymore. I can't believe none of my friends are doing the race. I need new friends.

Four weeks until the race:

I'm KING OF THE WORLD!

Three weeks until the race:

I'm going to be so excited when this is all over. I'm going to eat a giant cheeseburger/a cupcake/multiple cupcakes/an entire bag of potato chips/2 liters of regular Coke. In one sitting. I can't waaaaaaait!

Two weeks until the race:

So I heard that if you drink apple cider vinegar/put leeches on your legs/get a massage/trim your toenails/eat lots of almonds, you run faster. Hmmm. Must invest in some leeches.

Ten days until the race:

Okay, crap. Leeches are disgusting. Who has some vinegar?

Nine days until the race:

My tummy doesn't feel so good.

Screw it, I don't need this stress. I'll just run the [insert smaller race here]. And I'll drink a beer afterwards. Now that will make me run faster!

Eight days until the race:

You heard what? The weather was going to be hot/cold/rainy/sunny/overcast/windy? OMG! That is going to ruin my time! What am I going to do?

For the next four days:

::silently frets over the weather::

Three days before the race:

WHAT AM GOING TO WEAR?!?!?!

Two days before the race:

But I've never run in long pants/shorts/running shorts/a blue shirt/a pink shirt!

::insert overly-dramatic wail here::

Day before the race:

OMG! Please Lord, let me poop today. Should I trim my toenails? When do I pick up my packet? Should I retie my shoes? Why did I think this was a good idea? I NEED NEW SHOES!!!

Can you carb-load with cupcakes? No, I'm serious.

Day of the race:

::no comment. Because like child birth, you blank out on all the important details. Like pain::

Post-race:

That was awesome! Let's do it again!

Editor's note: So yes, I'm running in a 10K tomorrow at McCarran airport. I'm currently in the "Why the hell did I think this was a good idea?" phase as it will be over 100 degrees out there. It's only a little over six miles, but the heat is really freaking me out. For whatever reason, when I signed up, it said we'd be running Terminal 3 (the new one) and I thought they meant inside - like jumping over airport chairs and luggage and stuff. Nope - we're outside. In full sun. I'll let you know how it goes on Monday.

But first...do you think I should trim my toenails? :-)

And I'll be honest...as I wrote this, I was sipping on apple cider vinegar.