Book Review: "Baby Proof" by Emily Giffin

I struggled to find something positive to say about this book for several hours this morning...I thought, and thought, and thought...and all I can come up with is this:

The book jacket is a very lovely shade of butter yellow.

That's it. That's all I've got.

And sadly, as we all know, authors usually have very little to do with marketing or cover design, which means Emily Giffin contributed absolutely nothing to the one redeeming aspect of this book.

I'm not even going to try to avoid spoilers in this review; I'm giving it a 'D' - a very solid D - so if you still want to read this horrific piece of literature (and I'm using the term 'literature' very loosely here), it's probably best to stop reading this review now. You've been warned.

Okay, "Baby Proof"...where do I start? It's the story about Claudia Parr, a trendy Manhattan-ite book editor who finds her "soul mate" (strike one) in Ben Davenport, another trendy Manhattan-ite who shares her believe in a child-free life. The two meet, date, and marry within a span of seven months, and all seems well for this up-and-coming twosome. Well, okay until Ben changes his mind and decides he wants kids after all. Claudia, who clearly lacks any kind of negotiating/mediating skills (or heck, just any basic communication skill or logic), disagrees with her husband and promptly divorces him. Like, within the span of twenty pages (and from what I can glean, about 7-8 months of real time). She gets the best divorce attorney in all of Manhattan and promptly leaves her "soul mate" in the dust, determined to continue leading her child-free existence without any guilt or shame.

Before anyone gets mad at me, I'm not knocking this book because it's about a woman who wants to lead a child-free life. Not at all. In fact, I give major credit to women who realize what they want and aren't afraid to go after it (and buck some of society's expectations in the process.) Making the decision to bring another person into this world is probably the biggest decision a person/couple can make, and should not be taken lightly. Brian and I talked about it at length (i.e. months and months), with concerns about over-taxing our already taxed planet (me), bringing a child into this chaotic, unrelenting, unforgiving world (me), and the financial obligations a child would bring (him). Like I said, it's huge decision and for those that opt out, kudos to you. There is no shame in that decision.

However, for Claudia, her reasons included not being able to sleep in and not be able to take spontaneous vacations. Um, okay. I can still dig that. No juddgement. No, my absolute disgust of this novel comes when she makes quick decisions without thinking of the outcomes (i.e. the divorce), her lack of sympathy for her sister who actually does want kids but is unable to (strike two), and her relief - yes, relief - when her best friend miscarries a child she desperately wanted (strike three, four, five to one million infinity).

Why was she relieved, you ask? Because her friend, the friend Claudia had been staying with since the divorce, was sleeping with a married man. And despite her friend's amazing wealth, kick-ass Manhattan stock broker job, and complete acceptance of becoming a single mother, little Claudia didn't want a baby to interfere with their friendship.  After all, babies change everything.

I'm not sure if Emily Giffin set out to make Claudia one of the most dis-likable characters in modern literature (only a close second to Lord Voldemort), but she succeeded. There is nothing redeemable about Claudia and her self-serving, self-centered attitude. If Ms. Giffin intended Claudia to be a sympathetic character or heroine, well, she has a very twisted view on life. Again, I fear for the generation of readers who pick up this book and think this kind of behavior is not only acceptable, but 'cool.'

I also want to comment on the entire lack of originality of these books (by "these," I'm talking about the trifecta of chick lit authors - Laura Weisenberg, Sophie Kinsella, and Giffin). All of their characters are pretty and stylish. Most have kick-ass jobs in big cities like Manhattan, LA, or London. All have great families that live outside said city that offer great support and thoughtful advice. Chick lit, in my opinion, marginalizes women and creates this false level of expectation. If you aren't carrying the right bag with the right shoes, clearly your self-worth is suffering. Also, I want to point out: you know there is a problem when the movie ("Devil Wears Prada") is better than the book. Can't we, as readers, demand material that does not fixate on clothing and trendy Manhattan locations but instead thoughtful character interaction and thematic originality?

Anyways, Claudia engages in all kinds of anti-baby behavior, including getting involved in an office romance with a chronic bachelor. She eventually comes to see the err in her ways (what? I didn't see THAT coming!) and miraculously, she and Ben reconcile in the end. Big whoop. And, in true chick lit form, Ms. Giffin gift wraps the ending and hands it to readers with a big bow on top: the best friend ends up happy and with the right guy and the sister finally gets the baby she has wanted for so long. Perfect, perfect, perfect. And a total slap in the in the face to most (intelligent) readers.

Vomit.

This book offered no additional knowledge in my life prior to its completion. I am no smarter for reading it. It offered no additional insight, thought, or meaning in my life. In fact, it just made me angry.

And (since I seem to be on a roll right now), let's talk about Ms. Giffin's writing style. While 'The Memory Keeper's Daughter' was a feast of words, and 'In the Woods' struck the right balance of description and action, 'Baby Proof' is seriously lacking on both fronts. Description was sparse and the writing was rapid-fire action without much thought or feeling behind it. As Brian would say, "There's not a lot of chicken on that bone."  This book is a bare, bleached bone of printed material.

Not to mention, the lack of attention to detail just makes the novel sloppy. I HATE sloppy. At one point, Claudia mentions something about a present an ex-girlfriend sent to Ben during their "first year of dating." Huh? You met and married him within seven months. You didn't date for a year. This happens several times though out the novel, particularly in regards to their friends, Annie and Ray and their baby.  Ben and Claudia's divorce doesn't coincide with the baby's growth or the seasons.  They seem to exist in separate universes where time is not a factor. This screams to me poor writing and worse editing.

The only way I feel I can end this review adequately is with a quote from "Billy Madison" (tweaked, of course, to fit the subject matter):

"Ms. Giffin, what you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent book were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Grade:  D