Ryan, we will miss you. But we'll get to him in just a second.
Because let's start off with Ashley in Asia. The group is still in Taiwan...now, I don't want to be rude, but...really? Southeastern Asia just doesn't scream to "romance" to me. And taking public transportation? Ashley and Constantine were forced to take a public train to get to this tiny village, and my only thought was, "Is this because of the recession?" We all know she's the lowest-paid Bachelorette in the show's history (source: USWeekly.) We also know ratings are down, but that wouldn't factor into production's decision. But to make their leading lady schlep with the rest of us commoners? It hurts. Give her a car at the very least, okay?
Transportation issues aside, Ashley and Constantine were scripted, er, I mean, encouraged to write their love wishes on a piece of paper, and then tuck them into a giant paper lantern, which was to be hoisted in the sky. Now again, I hate to be critical, but sending giant flaming ball of paper into the sky...is this safe? I would be afraid the lantern would immediately catch fire and consequently rain down burning ashes onto my little head. I like my hair. I'd like to keep it as smoke-free as possible.
Brian also did not like the lantern bit. He had just joined me on the couch as the red balloon took flight and immediately quipped, "There's a reason why no Asian country has ever ruled the world." He continued in his "Godzilla" voice with, "Hmm...I know! We will conquer them with our flaming balls of paper!"
Yes, this is my husband.
(Jay, I know you are going to have some words with Brian after reading this. Just know this: I didn't say it.)
Constantine admitted he's taking things slowly and you could practically watch Ashley perk up. A challenge! Yes! Smart girls love a challenge! You could watch as the wheels in her little head began to turn. Square peg in a round hole? No problem! Must. Make. It. Work.
Good luck, Ash.
Anyways, then she had a date with Ben, which I'll admit, I mostly tuned it out. He apparently slept over, since he had to do the Walk of Shame the next morning to the guys' hotel. JP couldn't take it and left the room. He's starting to cross the line from "I love you" to "I want you all to myself...forever." Remember JP, there's a fine line between love and obsession. The editors clearly want to paint him in an unflattering light, so they are quick to capture every brow-furrow, every angry look, and every flash of jealousy in his eyes. Quite frankly, I can't blame him (I mean, watching some dude trail in the next morning after spending the night with your woman? Ouch) but at the same time, don't go all Chris Brown on us. ("I'm hitting you because I love you! This is your fault! I love you tooooo muuuuuuuch!")
Then Ashley followed up her Shack Attack with what can only be described as the most ill-conceived group date, ever. I mean, like, ever. Not just in the history of this show, but ever. Because what man wants to PRETEND TO GET MARRIED? Amid two other dudes, no less. Most men I know didn't want to get dressed to get married in the first place - they just did the big wedding thing because they knew their wives wanted it. (Also see: Husband, My). And Ashley thought this would be FUN? Yah...no. Not a bit. She just cemented the fact that while she is intellectually smart, she has about zero social intelligence. In fact (later in the show), as she was saying good-bye to Lucas, her verbal diarrhea sounded a lot like some of the stupid comments people said to me after my dad passed away. Just a whole bunch of nothingness, combined with a know-it-all tone of voice. That's fun. Ashley, stick with dentistry and practice your chair-side manner.
The group date blissfully ended, and JP got the rose. More out of pity than anything, but it was better than giving it to Ames in those silly red jeans, I guess. Ryan was practically jumping out of his skin to finally have some one-on-one time with Ashley, and he used that time well. Um, not. He spent it (as editors would like us to believe) extolling the benefits of the tankless water heater to a very bored looking Ashley. As I told Brian, "I think Ryan would make a great next-door neighbor," and he agreed. Great partner? Not so much. But the man is earnest and allegedly sincere, so you can't hate him too much. Fare thee well, Ryan. You'll probably have the last laugh once you become the Bill Gates of Tankless Water Heaters.
(just remember I was nice to you in this blog!)
Anywho, as mentioned earlier, it was Lucas (no surprise!) who got the ax. And then there were four: Ben, Constantine, JP, and Ames. Personally, I'm holding on to my believe that JP walks away with the girl, but stranger things have happened.
And speaking of strange...Emily? Really? She and Chris took up the last 20 minutes of the show to "speak publicly for the first time about her break-up with Brad." I will hand it to her, resplendent in all shades of taupe, gold, and tan: she was a class-act. She and Brad do not have harsh words for each other, despite the failure of their union. They are not going to resort to Jake-Vienna-like tactics. They made a go of it, and it just didn't work. Sweet Emily was tearful for much of the conversation and her hair was strangely frizzy in the back (anyone else catch that, too?) which makes me believe sShe also said she is tired of the paparazzi, which directly contradicts USWeekly claims that she in the running for the next Bachelorette spot. I guess time will tell.
And I'd imagine Bentley has already filled out his application form.