In case you are a new reader, let me catch you up...just a mere six months ago, I was nothing more than a very large incubator for the who we now know as the Bear. I spent enormous amounts of time watching 'The Bachelorette' - seriously, I would watch it twice and take notes just to make sure I had my facts right before I blogged about it the next day. I would DVR each episode on Monday night, watch them twice on Tuesday while making brownies. By the time the brownies were done, I would be ready to blog. And then I would eat brownies while blogging (messy but fun). I must have repeated this sequence of events probably 6-7 times during the summer. And I ate a massive amount of brownies as a result.
Oh, what a naive Kim I was. I really thought these were the tough times - bed rest was hard, going to doctor's appointments in 110+ degree heat was hard. Yeah, right. These were the days before CatheterGate, the days before I knew the exquisite pain of sleep deprivation, and when my calorie counting didn't matter.
This new season of the Bachelor finds me a little worse for wear but rich in knowledge. I'm more tired, more tubby, and with far less time on my hands. But I now know the dangers of high bilirubin and how to feed and soothe a baby. And yet through all of my personal changes, it looks like Jake (::squealllllllllll::) has not changed. At all. Swoon.
I'll be honest - I'm not really interested in Jake's mind. No, he actually strikes me as a bit of a bore. And based on the premiere last night, a slightly insecure, nervous bore. He and I would never get along, ultimately. I'm far too sarcastic; he's much too sincere. My Cheetoh-eating habits would probably rub him (and his amazing abs) the wrong way. He would probably want to go for lots of long walks (or gasp, runs) while I would want to watch marathon sessions of 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' and this would likely lead to lots of fighting. Not worth it.
But he certainly is nice to look at. I thought Brian was going to come across the couch and whap me with a pillow last night since I couldn't contain my gleeful squealing at every shirtless moment. (and let me tell you, ladies, there were plenty of those moments.) I'm guessing that ABC was unable to secure permission to use 'Take My Breath Away' and 'Danger Zone' from their uber-Jake montage at the beginning, since that was the only thing missing from our hero's flying, swimming, and motorcycle-driving habits. Well, those songs as well as a good beach volleyball montage. (does Jake have equally hot friends? Are there beaches in Texas?)
Anyways, the fun part of reality television is (for me, at least) pretending to put yourself in the contestants' shoes and wondering how you would fare. I mean, if I were to end up on one of these shows, it means that something tragic would have happened to Brian, so I would instantly be given the nickname 'The Widow' by the other girls. Likewise, I can't imagine leaving Scotty with anyone so he would have to come with me. Which makes me wonder how I would be able to emerge from the limo for the first introduction without wobbling on my high heels and trying to not fall over while clutching a chubby 20-lb baby against my ball gown. Hell, I don't know how I would even get Scotty to not spit-up on my ball gown. Do they make sparkly burp clothes?
What would Jake and I have to talk about? Practically nothing. During those first few moments of awkward introductions, these are the only scenarios I can come up with:
K: Hi Jake, I'm Kim. This is my son Scott. He doesn't poop much.
K: Hi Jake, I'm Kim. Every time I put my son in his car seat, I call him "Jet Pilot!" And then we giggle hysterically.
and finally, my favorite --
K: Hi Jake, I'm Kim. Don't get to excited; I'm lactating.
Okay, fantasies aside, Brian and I had our usual fun watching last night's premiere. (again, unfortunately, much of our conversation is not publish-able. Sorry.) We made some predictions, and both of agree that First-Impression Rose Winner Tensley definitely has a good shot of going the distance. Likewise, Nanny-that-I-would-NEVER-hire-but-Brian-would Elizabeth also seems to have legs. I'm a fan of Ali, the girl who lost her voice, and we both agree that Rozlyn has a wicked tint in her eyes. I'm excited to see what Walking-Trainwreck-Michele has in store for us this season (drama!) while Brian and I both unanimously hated the girl with chunky highlights from San Diego. She kept dropping the 'w' word...winning. Um, no honey. This is about love...true love. Get with the program.
Oh- and big shout out to Jillian and Ed! Though I believe their appearance was nothing more than a contrived 'hey look, we're still together despite USWeekly's nasty claims' - they were genuinely funny together. Did you catch it, though, when Jillian raked her eyes down Jake's (amazing) abs? I think there might be a little buyer's remorse...
Here's to a new season! Happy watching!