Internal Monologue During a 5K

...okay, here we go...I can do this...music? Yup. Map my run? Okay, got that...okay lady, move out of my way. Oh! There's the gun! Weeee! Ooooooo...downhill! Sweet! [pant, pant, pant] Oof! Hill. Oof! Another hill. What - another freaking hill? What the hill? Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhh....man, that sucked. Okay, get a good pace. Just chill out. Why is there a kid on the course? Dude, move over. Gosh, he can't be more than seven or eight. Is this allowed? Where are his parents? He's like, running in a zig-zag motion. Sheesh kid, get outta my way...I will run you over...arrrrrrgggghhhhh....okay good, he's gone. Whew. Mile one: 8:33! I'm a running god! Whoa, that's way too fast. Who cares, it's a 5K...okay, slow down, just breathe...ooh, good song. I can do this...I can do this...oh, camera! Smile! Oh damn, another hill. I got this...[pant, pant, pant]. This is just like Hill Day. Okay, so it's not and all of these runners are driving me crazy but I'm almost done...Mile 2: 9:08. Hmm, slowing down. It's all good, I can do this. That woman in the pink shorts is annoying the crap out of me. Just focus on something else. Pretty golf course! Damn, another hill? Seriously? Oh no, Pink Shorts is back! I thought I had passed her. Do I look like that when I run? Move over, honey! Whew, feeling good...and we're at Mile 3! Yes! I'm right there! Argh, it's Pink Shorts again! Ok bitch, move aside because THERE IS THE FINISH LINE! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I did it!

And then I called my mom.

The end.