The Bed Rest Book Club
Share it!
  • Blog
  • About
  • Dining (Vegan and Nonvegan)
  • Running Stuff
  • Recipes!

MomSpeak 101

9/27/2010

0 Comments

 
With the new school year upon us, I though I would share my knowledge of what I have learned over the past year as a new mom. Aside from the physical requirements of Motherhood (pushing a watermelon out of your body, very little sleep, and the strength to lug around a 10, then 20, now 30 lb child with one arm), there is also a sharp learning curve for language skills in Motherhood. See, I've realized that most things in this abstract and foreign speech are "in code" i.e. pre-kids, you hear it one way, but once you are inducted into the hallowed halls of Parenthood, you realize simple phrases actually mean something else entirely.

Let me illuminate...

When someone says, "Must be a growth spurt," what they are actually saying is, "I have no flipping clue what's going on."

The non-parent is like, "Oh, wow, a growth spurt!" and the parent is like, "Hmmm, they are confused. Sucks to be them."

Another example: 

"His little personality is really coming out!"

Translation:  I forgot that my in-laws contributed 25% to his genetic pool and God help me if he's as crazy as they are. 

And:

"He's really becoming independent."

Translation:  He is a stubborn little bugger.  I blame his father for this.

MomSpeak: "I'm so happy I nursed for 'X' amount of time and he weaned when he was ready."

Translation:  ...and I'm so happy that my body is my own again that I took Advil for no reason today, drank my lunch, and might possibly go smoke crack at the first opportunity.

MomSpeak:  "He eats only organic foods that I prepare."

Translation: Because we are spending a whole paycheck at Whole Foods on a weekly basis, I now eat frozen chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs and Skittles.

MomSpeak: "He's teething."

Translation: Baby for sale.

MomSpeak: "We Ferberized."

Translation: I cried harder than he did.

MomSpeak: "Our lives are so full right now!"

Translation:  My living room is full of toys, my sink is full of dirty bottles, and my brain is full of all of the things I've forgotten to do. The only thing that is empty in our lives right now is the checking account.

And finally, my favorite...

MomSpeak: "We're thinking about adding to our family again."

Translation: Motherhood has left me completely without memory and  I have subsequently forgotten everything that has transpired over the last X amount of time. I'm sorry, who are you again? And how did I get here?

Class dismissed. :-)
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    About Me

    Think of this as the epilogue to Bridget Jones' story. Well, mostly. Bridget marries the handsome lawyer, starts a blog while on bedrest, and decides marathon running sounds like fun. Bridget goes through a divorce but keeps running. Hilarity ensues. 

    Archives

    September 2020
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    September 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    March 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009

    Categories

    All
    Adolescence
    Baby Activities
    Baby Care
    Bed Rest
    Book Reviews
    Bravo Tv
    Breast Feeding
    Cool Stuff
    Craftiness
    Craig\'s List
    Dogs
    Emma
    Ethical Dilemmas
    Family
    Family Relationships
    Food
    Football Season
    Friendship
    Google List
    Grief
    Guest Blogger
    Guest Bloggers
    I Hate Our Neighborhood
    Junior League
    Kernicterus
    Milestones
    Motherdhood
    Motherhood
    Movies
    My Bladder
    New House
    Numbers
    Pending Reviews
    Post Partum
    Potty Training
    Potty-training
    Pregnancy
    Relationships
    Reviews
    Running
    Scary Stuff
    School
    Scotty
    Sleep
    Sororities
    Sunshine Cupcakes
    Surgery
    The Bobby
    The Holidays
    The Miracle Blanket
    The New House
    Todderville
    Toddlerville
    Toys
    Tv
    Tv Review
    Tv Reviews
    Unpopular Opinions
    Vegas
    Weight Loss
    Weird Stuff Kim Says
    Work

    RSS Feed

Thanks for reading!