With the new school year upon us, I though I would share my knowledge of what I have learned over the past year as a new mom. Aside from the physical requirements of Motherhood (pushing a watermelon out of your body, very little sleep, and the strength to lug around a 10, then 20, now 30 lb child with one arm), there is also a sharp learning curve for language skills in Motherhood. See, I've realized that most things in this abstract and foreign speech are "in code" i.e. pre-kids, you hear it one way, but once you are inducted into the hallowed halls of Parenthood, you realize simple phrases actually mean something else entirely.
Let me illuminate...
When someone says, "Must be a growth spurt," what they are actually saying is, "I have no flipping clue what's going on."
The non-parent is like, "Oh, wow, a growth spurt!" and the parent is like, "Hmmm, they are confused. Sucks to be them."
Another example:
"His little personality is really coming out!"
Translation: I forgot that my in-laws contributed 25% to his genetic pool and God help me if he's as crazy as they are.
And:
"He's really becoming independent."
Translation: He is a stubborn little bugger. I blame his father for this.
MomSpeak: "I'm so happy I nursed for 'X' amount of time and he weaned when he was ready."
Translation: ...and I'm so happy that my body is my own again that I took Advil for no reason today, drank my lunch, and might possibly go smoke crack at the first opportunity.
MomSpeak: "He eats only organic foods that I prepare."
Translation: Because we are spending a whole paycheck at Whole Foods on a weekly basis, I now eat frozen chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs and Skittles.
MomSpeak: "He's teething."
Translation: Baby for sale.
MomSpeak: "We Ferberized."
Translation: I cried harder than he did.
MomSpeak: "Our lives are so full right now!"
Translation: My living room is full of toys, my sink is full of dirty bottles, and my brain is full of all of the things I've forgotten to do. The only thing that is empty in our lives right now is the checking account.
And finally, my favorite...
MomSpeak: "We're thinking about adding to our family again."
Translation: Motherhood has left me completely without memory and I have subsequently forgotten everything that has transpired over the last X amount of time. I'm sorry, who are you again? And how did I get here?
Class dismissed. :-)
Let me illuminate...
When someone says, "Must be a growth spurt," what they are actually saying is, "I have no flipping clue what's going on."
The non-parent is like, "Oh, wow, a growth spurt!" and the parent is like, "Hmmm, they are confused. Sucks to be them."
Another example:
"His little personality is really coming out!"
Translation: I forgot that my in-laws contributed 25% to his genetic pool and God help me if he's as crazy as they are.
And:
"He's really becoming independent."
Translation: He is a stubborn little bugger. I blame his father for this.
MomSpeak: "I'm so happy I nursed for 'X' amount of time and he weaned when he was ready."
Translation: ...and I'm so happy that my body is my own again that I took Advil for no reason today, drank my lunch, and might possibly go smoke crack at the first opportunity.
MomSpeak: "He eats only organic foods that I prepare."
Translation: Because we are spending a whole paycheck at Whole Foods on a weekly basis, I now eat frozen chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs and Skittles.
MomSpeak: "He's teething."
Translation: Baby for sale.
MomSpeak: "We Ferberized."
Translation: I cried harder than he did.
MomSpeak: "Our lives are so full right now!"
Translation: My living room is full of toys, my sink is full of dirty bottles, and my brain is full of all of the things I've forgotten to do. The only thing that is empty in our lives right now is the checking account.
And finally, my favorite...
MomSpeak: "We're thinking about adding to our family again."
Translation: Motherhood has left me completely without memory and I have subsequently forgotten everything that has transpired over the last X amount of time. I'm sorry, who are you again? And how did I get here?
Class dismissed. :-)
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