Parenthood changes you. It changes your mindset, your beliefs, and your attitude. Here are a few opinions of mine that have been altered since pushing a baby into this world.
1.) Polygamy.
Great idea! Why can we not have sister wives? Think about it: there are multiple women in the home. One cares for the kids, another handles food prep, and the third does the cleaning. And we can all chit-chat and gossip while we go about our daily routine. This sounds like a little slice of utopia to me. Sign me up. The only caveat is that they will also sleep with my husband? Um...I can handle that. Go ahead and head upstairs; I'm going to have a glass of wine and catch up on past episodes of Top Chef. Catch ya later, sister wives.
Which leads me to...
2.) Adultery.
There is a person is my life who expects nothing from me other than, well, that? Okay. I don't have to find special hair gel at Target, make dinner. or keep you in clean socks? AND there is a distinct possibility that you might look like Luke McCafferty (Matt Lauria) from Friday Night Lights? Uh, yeah. I could handle this. Please.
3.) Nannies
I once foolishly believed that all my child ever needed was me. Ha! By the end of the day, Scotty's giving me the stink eye and thinking, "Your jokes are so lame, I don't wanna read another book, and please, please, lady, stop feeding me yet another NutriGrain bar." I really think Camille Grammar has the right idea: two nannies per kid. Additional help in the form of Mary Poppins or Jo Frost would be much appreciated. And besides, that would leave more time for Top Chef or #2 on this list.
4.) Leashes for Children
Have you ever attempted to hold the hand of someone who is approximately 33 inches tall? If you are over 5 foot yourself, there's a good chance there will be a lot of stooping going on. Combine this with a 30 pound diaper bag weighing on the opposite shoulder, and you are a chiropractor's dream. Not mention, most 33 inch people do not want to hold your hand, regardless of the amount of begging/pleading/threatening that happens. I usually opt to guide Scotty by the head while yelling at him. This is a popular solution, let me tell you. Add another child to the mix and it's harder than herding cats; you are officially herding turtles. Snap a leash on that kid and everybody wins. Done.
5.) Over-scheduling Your 17-Month Old
Again, I was once of the very naive opinion that my witty and charming personality was enough to get my child through the day. Not so. By 8:15am, pancakes are being thrown, milk is on the floor, and Scotty isn't even up yet. I find myself clawing the walls and frantically trying to figure out if another trip to Target is in the family budget because we need something to do. But with paid, scheduled activities outside of the home, it makes the week feel very succinct. Mondays are library days. Tuesdays are music lessons. On Wednesdays, we go to algebra class and Thursdays are reserved for time with our Mandarin Chinese tutor. We go a little lighter on Fridays with a basic tumbling class, but Saturday and Sundays are all about ballet, tap, and jazz. See? Seven days, one over-stimulated child, and a happy, tired mom. Everyone wins.
(Editor's note: I'm obviously joking about all five of these. Please do not send me nasty emails. Thanks.)
1.) Polygamy.
Great idea! Why can we not have sister wives? Think about it: there are multiple women in the home. One cares for the kids, another handles food prep, and the third does the cleaning. And we can all chit-chat and gossip while we go about our daily routine. This sounds like a little slice of utopia to me. Sign me up. The only caveat is that they will also sleep with my husband? Um...I can handle that. Go ahead and head upstairs; I'm going to have a glass of wine and catch up on past episodes of Top Chef. Catch ya later, sister wives.
Which leads me to...
2.) Adultery.
There is a person is my life who expects nothing from me other than, well, that? Okay. I don't have to find special hair gel at Target, make dinner. or keep you in clean socks? AND there is a distinct possibility that you might look like Luke McCafferty (Matt Lauria) from Friday Night Lights? Uh, yeah. I could handle this. Please.
3.) Nannies
I once foolishly believed that all my child ever needed was me. Ha! By the end of the day, Scotty's giving me the stink eye and thinking, "Your jokes are so lame, I don't wanna read another book, and please, please, lady, stop feeding me yet another NutriGrain bar." I really think Camille Grammar has the right idea: two nannies per kid. Additional help in the form of Mary Poppins or Jo Frost would be much appreciated. And besides, that would leave more time for Top Chef or #2 on this list.
4.) Leashes for Children
Have you ever attempted to hold the hand of someone who is approximately 33 inches tall? If you are over 5 foot yourself, there's a good chance there will be a lot of stooping going on. Combine this with a 30 pound diaper bag weighing on the opposite shoulder, and you are a chiropractor's dream. Not mention, most 33 inch people do not want to hold your hand, regardless of the amount of begging/pleading/threatening that happens. I usually opt to guide Scotty by the head while yelling at him. This is a popular solution, let me tell you. Add another child to the mix and it's harder than herding cats; you are officially herding turtles. Snap a leash on that kid and everybody wins. Done.
5.) Over-scheduling Your 17-Month Old
Again, I was once of the very naive opinion that my witty and charming personality was enough to get my child through the day. Not so. By 8:15am, pancakes are being thrown, milk is on the floor, and Scotty isn't even up yet. I find myself clawing the walls and frantically trying to figure out if another trip to Target is in the family budget because we need something to do. But with paid, scheduled activities outside of the home, it makes the week feel very succinct. Mondays are library days. Tuesdays are music lessons. On Wednesdays, we go to algebra class and Thursdays are reserved for time with our Mandarin Chinese tutor. We go a little lighter on Fridays with a basic tumbling class, but Saturday and Sundays are all about ballet, tap, and jazz. See? Seven days, one over-stimulated child, and a happy, tired mom. Everyone wins.
(Editor's note: I'm obviously joking about all five of these. Please do not send me nasty emails. Thanks.)
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