The Bachelor: Memo to Michelle: Sarcasm Does Not Translate Well
The Bachelor: For the First Time, I Got a Little Irritated With Chris Harrison
(yes, that last one is true. Will explain shortly).
Okay friends, Monday night was the standard pre-finale-clip-show-filler we all look forward to, and end up feeling strangely let down since we realize that after two hours, we realize have learned nothing new about our favorite bachelorettes. And this edition of "The Women Tell All" was fairly straightforward, minus Ashley H's shocking new hair style. Did she enter the Witness Protection Program after her stint in Africa or something? I think she looks cute, but wow, I almost didn't recognize her.
The show started with the traditional montage of video clips spliced together - yes, some of the women didn't get along. Yes, there were lots of shots with Brad with his shirt off. Yes, the girls cried a lot (though less then in previous seasons, no?) The only thing missing? Brad's therapists. I was a little bummed to see that they didn't even get a nod for all of their hard work of getting the Bachelor to where he is today. He is, after all...(long, dramatic pause)...a changed man.
As for meeting the status quo: Raechael (or however you spell it) and Melissa still don't get along. I'm not sure what their original beef was, but I don't think anyone cares at this point. I was just aghast at what Melissa was wearing (what was that white, lacy over-shirt thing?). Speaking of beef, Britt must still be on some self-imposed hunger strike as she looked more waif-like than ever. (paging Dr. Greene!) Ashley the Nanny - who I think is adorable, by the way, and would totally love for her to sit for Scotty - was still a little tearful about her abrupt exit, and Brad's explanation didn't help much. So you know, not a lot of excitement.
And then there was Michelle.
I'll admit, I was deep into my second Cadbury Egg of the night, so I wasn't totally focused on what Michelle was saying, but I was struck that she was sniffling and shaking and dabbing her eyes...yet there didn't appear to be a single tear shed. Is that possible? Can one cry without actually producing tears? Don't lizards cry this way?
I couldn't - and still can't - tell if she was really sincere. And I also have to wonder if she would have been apologetic at all if she hadn't been so ridiculed and vilified in the press. And I did soften towards her a little, at the end, especially when several of the girls came to her defense and pointed out that they actually really liked her while they were all in the McMansion. Because most of the time, the "bad" girls of the Bachelor (paging Vienna!) are usually universally hated by all of the other contestants. But Michelle wasn't hated. So I don't know how I feel about this one. Attention whore or misunderstood sarcastic genius? You decide.
And then came Dr. Dark-Haired Ashley's turn, and this is when I wanted to punch Chris Harrison.
We had to watch all of the gory details from the Africa date, the dead look in Ashley's eyes when she realized she was dunzo, and let's not forget, that total f-you of a haphazard ponytail she wore to the last rose ceremony. They even played a clip of Brad saying he seriously thought Ashley was going to be the one he proposed to. Ashley admitted to Chris that she held back a little in order to protect herself, and Chris kind of got all up in her business about it. "Do you think you would still be here if you hadn't been so closed off?" he pressed, while she flipped around like a dying fish, hemming and hawing and second guessing her pretty little educated head. She said she blames herself for her current predicament (being single, I guess) and has learned her lesson.
Okay, let's point out some things here. 1.) YOU ARE ON A NATIONALLY TELEVISED SHOW. Protecting yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing - it just doesn't make for compelling viewing. Producers want you to Chantal-it up and declare your love after 3.4 dates. No, Ashley, no! You were smart. You were careful. Yes, you played it safe, but that's okay. Because 2.) YOU ARE DATING A GUY WHO IS DATING TWO OTHER GIRLS. Um, duh. Don't go all out - he's not. Until the playing field is even, don't invest more than you are willing to lose. And 3.) DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. Remember that whole part about "our lives just really don't fit together"? Yeah, the part where you seriously contemplated who this whole thing would work once the fantasy dates were over and you both went back to your normal lives? Oh, yeah, reality. Ashley, my dear, it wouldn't have worked. You and Brad would have walked 3.5 red carpets, dated for 2 months, and called it quits. And not because of you - just because the two of you are not a good fit. Don't blame yourself.
Whew. Chris Harrison, don't steer her in the wrong direction. I think she made a phenomenally smart decision that was based on her head AND her heart. So there.
And now, the final two...again, I'm torn. I can't figure it out! I think Chantal is a front-runner since we all know how he likes those brunettes, but word on the street is that Emily's house in NC is on the market. And there is loose talk that Ashley the Dentist is the new bachelorette, which would mean Emily is the winner, since I've been convinced since Day 1 that is she didn't win, she would certainly get the coveted B-spot.
So thoughts? Guesses? Predictions? Or do you think neither wins and Brad is attacked by monkeys?