'The Bachelorette' Recap

Okay, let's start off by talking about the who the real stars of 'The Bachelorette' are...

Rick and Judy, I'm looking at you.

How awesome is Ed's family? Awesome in the sense that they reminded me of my own parents. Awesome in the sense that it made Brian comment, "Is there any male of that specific age that lives in Chicago that does NOT have that kind of mustache?"  Awesome for the fact that the minute Jillian trotted out the door for some girl talk with Ed's mom, Rick turns to Ed and says in the heaviest Chicago accent ever, "What the HELL are we doing here?"  Which, by the way, is exactly the same thing my father will say to me if I ever drag him on a reality show.

Jillian, if you pick Ed, be prepared to eat a lot sausage and peppers. And to sit in Rick's garage on a lawn chair that is older than you, Miller High Life in hand, while watching the Cubs game on a teeny-tiny TV. (Since the digital switch, this may no longer be possible. This makes me sad). And to talk about da Bears. As Brian so adequately pointed out, Rick's last meaningful relationship probably ended when Ditka left.

But will Jillian pick Ed? We have a lot to discuss about last night's episode. And yes, I lost some sleep last night thinking how I could talk about some, er, things, while still keeping this blog family-friendly or at the very least, PG rated.

Let's start with the boys:

Kiptyn:  ahh, beautiful Kiptyn. Did anyone else think that his final video message to Jillian was awfully polished? I felt like he was prepping more his inevitable job interview with 'Good Morning, America' than pouring his heart out to Jillian. I fully expected him to end his message by saying, "Okay, back to you, Charlie and Diane. I mean, Jillian!" I just don't trust a male who uses more hair products than I do.

But Jillian clearly digs him. In her (excuriatingly painful to watch) journey to get the men to 'open up' to her, she deployed the nearly infallible  'Helpless Girl' ruse while on a ropes course with the Kipper. "Eek!" she squeaked while scaling logs. "I'm so scared, Kiptyn! Help me!" (I'm paraphasing here).  He, of course, jumped right into the role of White Knight and both gushed over how relationships are 'give and take,' regardless of how strong each person is.  Blah, blah. Real strength is dragging yourself back to the grocery store after working a 12-hour day because the ground beef you were going to use has a strange greyish quality to it and your wife really, really wants tacos for dinner. (not like that happened to us last night...purely hypothetical).

They had an overnight date and to be honest, I don't even remember what happened. Everything with Kiptyn seems to go like this; stuff happens, his hair looks really good, and Jillian gushes to the camera. He is absolutely unremarkable to me. Yaaa-wn. Brian and I filled the time by commenting on the lovely Hawaiian scenery and reliving parts of our honeymoon. (we had our fingers crossed for a Wailea shout-out, but it was all Kapuala and Kaanapali).

Reid: oh, poor, dear Reid. Probably the only guy who does, in fact, have real feelings for Jillian (I think Ed might too, but I'll get to that in a second). In fact, his feelings are so real that he is actually hesitant to more forward too quickly. Which, in my opinion, is somewhat accurate and authentic. Either Jillian or a show producer is really pushing for a proposal at the end, and it's pretty clear that Reid is not yet comfortable with that. He might be ready for it sometime in the future (say, after more than 5 dates), but as we all know, thoughtful deliberateness does not make for good TV.

Jillian morphed into 'Pushy Needy Girl' during dinner, trying to pin down Reid and his level of committedness, and even played the 'ready to start a family' card. Yikes! Back off, Jillian. Seriously, your eggs are not that old. Have another glass of wine and calm down. What is she going to do during the finale - break out the word 'ovulation'? Seriously.

I did like the bath tub scene (not with them in it, but just the whole scene). I asked Brian why he never makes a bath like that for me, to which he replied, "Because the cat will eat the rose petals and you hate too many candles lit all at once. You think it's a fire hazard." See, folks? Real intimacy isn't about soft lighting and 300-count sheets. It's knowing your partner well enough to know what she considers a fire hazard and not putting a beloved pet in danger.

Ed: good lord, I don't even know where to start. All I have to say is that Ed is probably really regretting those few moments at the end of the show when he was bragging about his green shorts, aka 'the man-kini.' Oh Ed, don't call any more attention to that area of your body...please. For your sake and for ours.

As we all know at this point, it was Ed, poor, poor Ed, who struggled in the bedroom. Aside from the national humiliation of having such a moment aired to millions of viewers, I have to say, my first reaction was, "...do they really, you know, do...it?" I mean, this isn't 'Rock of Love.' Perhaps I am the most naive person in America, but I thought a lot of these overnight dates involved a lot of...talking. I mean, that's what I would do. Finally, no TV cameras, no microphones. I would be having all of those conversations I would never want filmed during this time. Brian declared me incredibly naive, but I stand by opinion. I mean, if the other thing is true, that means Jillian just spent the night with three guys in three days. That is a little much to comprehend. 

Not to mention, hello, we live in 2009. This isn't the 60's anymore. Perhaps I have seen the slideshow from the Cook County Health District on HIV and STD protection one too many times.  Trust me, a 6'x6' image of gential warts will be burned into your brain for the rest of your life.  No amount of strawberries, wine, and massage lotion can ever counteract those images.

Much of Brian's and my conversation during the Ed part of the show is unprintable for obvious reasons, but by far, his best comment was, "He's about as useless as the bail-out!" I almost rolled off the couch at that one. [He even looked at me afterwards with a little smile on his face and said, "Is that going in the blog?" I've created a monster. :-)]

Overall, I give Jillian props for keeping Ed around. Personally, I wouldn't have kicked him off for the bedroom issues, but more for that hideous white/lavendar blazer he wore during the rose ceremony. 90% of erectile dysfunction stems from a medical, not psychological problem, so if Jillian was really savvy, she's request a full medical work-up for Ed (so then she could turn into 'Pushy Nagging Girl.") And who knows...maybe Ed was being truthful and it was just a one time incident. Sure, Ed, sure. Keep telling yourself that. And all 30+ pounds I've gained during this pregnancy is ALL baby weight. (snort).

And as we all know by now, in the end, it was Reid who had to say, 'hasta la vista.' Reid, because he was actually emotionally available, just deliberate with his choices, got the boot. Kiptyn and Ed can't proclaim their love fast enough for Jillian's willing ears. Kiptyn is clearly setting himself up for a career in broadcast journalism and Ed really has no other card to play; if he can't fulfill the physical requirements of the position, he better overcompensate with the emotional ones.

To be honest, I'm still stunned that Jillian, who technically holds all of the cards in these relationships, is as needy and clingy as she is. This is exactly what I preached to some of my clients; it's not about how they feel about you, it's about YOU feel about THEM. The direct inverse relationship of this equation is why Jillian is coming across as so insecure. She seemed so self-assured at the beginning of the season, and now, she comes across as nearly obsessed with making sure one of the guys propose during the finale. I can't help but worry there is some ABC producer whispering in her ear about how proposals make for good TV, and to only keep around the the guys who are sure-bets for a proposal.  I'm definitely no feminist, but I would be happy to settle for a realistic 'Hey, I like you a lot, let's move to the same city and see where this goes.' And SHE can be the one who says it, not the guy. 

The finale is still two weeks away ('The Men Tell All' is next week) and I'm dying to find out what happens. in the previews, Jillian looks rather jilted-bride-Miss-Haversham while standing with the final rose in her white, bride-like dress. She's had a tough run so far, having dealt with a guy with a foot fetish, a guy with a girlfriend, and now, a guy with ED. Are the good people at ABC even screening applicants anymore? I do hope it ends well for her.

And let's not forget, we also get to catch up with Molly and Jason! (fake enthusiasm). Dark-haired Molly probably didn't like all of the negative press and subsequently dyed her hair brown as a personal witness protection program (Brian was like, "Ohh! Not a good look, Molly!" when she came on screen).  Quite frankly, do we even care at this point'? I don't. I'm just glad Melissa got the last word on that one. You go, girl.