After a self-imposed hiatus, it felt good to flip the channel to something so familiar -- roses, drama, silly love poems. Butchering the Icelandic language within an inch of its life. An alleged bachelor with a **gasp** girlfriend. (haven't we seen that storyline enough?) Reality TV is the marshmallow fluff of my life...fun and delicious in small amounts. And it was nice to not have to watch intensely gripping dramas ('Breaking Bad') or heart-wrenching season finales ('LOST'). Bring on the fluff, thankyouverymuch.
I had originally decided to skip this season mainly because I don't think Ali makes a good bachelorette...she's bland, she has a tendency to be whiny, and she's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Which is why I think producers decided to up the exotic locations, in an effort to make Ali seem far more interesting than what she really is. I mean, I caught the last 30 minutes of last week's show while they were filming in New York, and I will say, it didn't come across as the glamorous, Bethenny-Frankel-Carrie-Bradshaw-New-York-is-my-playground kind of city. It looked...like a big city. That was kind of dirty. So congrats, Ali, you've managed to dull the shine of one of the most fabulous cities in the world.
Anyways, this week found White Bread and her guys in Iceland - I'd tell you what city, but I have no idea. It started with an R and probably had a lot of 'j's,' 'i's,' and 'e's' in it. And clearly Ali is so boring that they had to drag out kooky hats for the guys to wear, since that was the most interesting part of the whole first hour.
Although I will say - Brian developed an instant man-crush on Kirk. Only because he is from Green Bay, Wisconsin. And during Ali's question and answer session about Kirk's mysterious past, Brian decided to fill in the answers for him: "I'm heart-broken because of the playoffs in 2001...and 2004...and did you see that interception in 2007...." Brian, of course, believes that much of Kirk's angst is directly related to the Packers' plight in the playoffs for the last ten years, not the toxic mold that he ingested as a college student five years ago. And can I just say...toxic mold? Really? I thought that was an urban legend.
Anyways, the show limped along after Ali and Kirk's one-on-one date. The group date was weird - riding ponies to go hike through a cave - but Ty stepped up and got the rose since he was showing off his mad pony skills. I'm not quite sure who or what Justin 'Rated-R' is - or what that even means - but he was fairly confident that he could oust crazy Kasey from their two-on-one date. Way to go, Justin. Honestly, if you thought Kasey had even a fighting chance, that is disturbing. Especially since Justin got to lounge supinely on the ice couch (in the ice cave, resplendent with candles and a fur-covered throw) while Kasey was forced to sit in the snow, exposed to the elements, with only his crazy tattoo to keep himself warm. And while I don't think anyone in America disagrees with Ali's decision to let him go, it was pretty tough to watch the guy be left on a glacier while Ali and Justin flew off on their helicopter. Cold, Ali. Cold. (no pun intended).
I'll admit -- the rest of the pack is hard for me to separate at this point. As I stated earlier, they all look alike. They must buy stock in the same hair gel or something. And they remind me of a litter of puppies, scrambling over each other to get to Ali's side to lick her face. So, in honor of my dog analogy, I was able to jot a few notes down during the show last night (mainly to help me tell them apart) and create what I consider their 'puppy personalities:'
Most trainable pup: Frank
Most likely to pick up the newspaper in the morning from your driveway, and carry his own poop bag on a walk: Ty
(fyi: my parents' dog Zephyr actually does this. On walks, he will carry his own doogie-doo-doo in a plastic bag so my mom doesn't have to. It's both amazing and slightly unsettling).
Most likely to eat bad dog food and get really sick as a result, making you pay outrageous vet bills: Kirk
Most likely to bury bones in the yard: Chris L (he's a landscaper...)
Most likely to scratch at your door all night, begging to be let in: Kasey
Best looking pup: Roberto
Most likely to get lost and no one would notice for several days: Chris N
Best in Show goes to...Chris Harrison, for his armchair psychologist moment. ("I think you are afraid of falling in love.") Thank you, Chris Harrison, for keeping things real.
Puppies aside, I do think Frank, Ty and Kirk have legs to go all the way. I think Ty will likely finish third, with the top two being Frank and Kirk. And I think she'll pick Frank. He's intense enough to keep her interest, but funny enough to break the tension.