The Bed Rest Book Club
Share it!
  • Blog
  • About
  • Dining (Vegan and Nonvegan)
  • Running Stuff
  • Recipes!

The Bachelorette with Emily, Ep. 1

5/15/2012

0 Comments

 
Hey y'all! I got ABC to build me a reality TV mansion in Charlotte!

That's probably what our newest Bachelorette trilled to her friends earlier this year. She somehow managed to convince production to transplant the entire franchise on the other side of the country...and I'm kind of proud of her. Nothing against Nevada's neighbor, but it's nice to see things taken out of LA for a bit. Let's go, Charlotte!

And for a second, I thought maybe not only had they moved production to a different city, but a different year as well...like, 1984? Between the boom box and Jef's haircut that was reminsceint of Anthony Michael Hall's "the Geek" from "Sixteen Candles," I had to check my calendar to ensure we were safely in 2012. But then again, I'm not even sure these folks acknowledge the irony of their actions: the median age for both Emily and her bachelors is 27, meaning they would have been in utero or not yet conceived when John Hughes' classic hit the big screen. God I feel old.

Thankfully, Emily seems pretty grounded. Yes, she has a dramatic story. She has a sweet little girl that I like to call Ricky Bobby and a very cool make-up storage case in her bathroom. (Container Store, perhaps? Thanks for pointing that out, Nieva!) And she likes to wear pink - lots of pink - and brush the "sugar bugs" out of Ricky Bobby's teeth at night. The think I like the least about Emily is how she gets her 7-year old daughter to bed at 7:30pm, when that is the time we are starting bubble tub for our two-year old. Really, Emily? Can you write a parenting book after you find your Prince Charming? Us sad sacks are really in need of your wisdom.

They were kind enough to skip the Brad-Womack-part of the story fairly quickly - Brad's a cad, blah, blah. But as for her future suitors? Let's just say I wrote the word "douchebag" no less than 11 times in my notes. Has reality TV jumped the shark? Are these really the best guys ABC could find? And let's face it - Emily is gorgeous. There is no question about that. She possesses just enough Southern sass to make her interesting, while her outside is darn near flawless. She looks like a walking, talking Barbie doll. And Brian, my trusty Bachelor/ette sidekick (clearly he forgot his New Year's resolution - shh!), provided a very helpful deciphering of Guy Code to help me better understand the contestants motivations.

For example: when they say, "She's so genuine," it means, she's so hot.

- She's so down-to-earth: she's smoking hot

- She's so funny! = she is the hottest girl that has ever spoken to me

and finally,

- I really feel a bond with her = I want to touch her boobies

Thank you, Brian, for your indispensible help, and proving once again, men are a very, very complicated species.

Okay, on to the dudes. Some stand-outs? The guy that did the jig coming out of the limo (Joe)  made me laugh, though I wrote "douchebag" next to his name. Arie is smokin' hot, though ABC really had to play the race driver card? Really? He was nice to let her know early on, and you could tell she was surprised. I hope these two are able to work through whatever weird feelings that might bring up, because I like him and dub him a front-runner.

Aaron the bio teacher had a cheesy line, but I liked him. Be sure to not confuse Alejandro with Alessandro; one is from Brazil, the other is from Colombia (I'm already lost). Boombox guy (Magic Mike) lost me with that green shirt and the strange dance moves were horrifying. (she has a child! Some respect, please!) Dear Charlie has a traumatic brain injury from a fall off of a balcony, but he has the world's cutest bull dog (aside from Teddy Bullfeathers) and I give him a cautious thumbs-up. Ryan, the sports trainer, also appears competent with caring for animals AND children, so he gets a thumbs up as well.

Kalon. Oh, Kalon. Where do we begin? Next to his name, I had written: CHRISTIAN GREY. CHARLIE TANGO. BDSM. DOUCHEBAG!

I hope he proves me wrong. Helicopter, my butt. Pffft.

There's a dude in the mix named John but claims his friends call him Wolf. (Run, Emily, run!) Travis saw fit to cart around an ostrich egg for the entire night, proving his ability to care for Emily and Ricky Bobby AND pass a high school health class. (who had to do that? I went to Catholic high school so we just pretended babies came from storks. There was no advanced planning). I was praying that egg would break half-way through the night, just so Travis could come up with just another dumb line ("Life is messy...and sometimes you get scrambled up! You will always eat a good breakfast if you pick me!") to tell Emily.

In the end, though, it was David-tuck-your-shirt-in, Jackson the two-thumbed fitness model, Lerone the sole African-American in the group (nice try, ABC), Randy-the-creepy-grandmother, Jacques Cousteau, I mean, Jean-Paul, and Brent, the dad of six (SIX!) kids, who were sent home. They cried, they lamented, they showed their abs. And Lerone's exit interview was strangely absent. Boo, ABC. Boo.

My early predictions? Arie, just because he has nice eyes. Doug, he-of-the-first-impression-rose, and Jef that has some legs. I'm curious to know who calls Ricky Bobby "baggage." And finally, I really, really want to know...now that Chris Harrison is single, is he next in line to be the Bachelor? Could we be so lucky??

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Picture

    About Me

    Think of this as the epilogue to Bridget Jones' story. Well, mostly. Bridget marries the handsome lawyer, starts a blog while on bedrest, and decides marathon running sounds like fun. Bridget goes through a divorce but keeps running. Hilarity ensues. 

    Archives

    September 2020
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    September 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    March 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009

    Categories

    All
    Adolescence
    Baby Activities
    Baby Care
    Bed Rest
    Book Reviews
    Bravo Tv
    Breast Feeding
    Cool Stuff
    Craftiness
    Craig\'s List
    Dogs
    Emma
    Ethical Dilemmas
    Family
    Family Relationships
    Food
    Football Season
    Friendship
    Google List
    Grief
    Guest Blogger
    Guest Bloggers
    I Hate Our Neighborhood
    Junior League
    Kernicterus
    Milestones
    Motherdhood
    Motherhood
    Movies
    My Bladder
    New House
    Numbers
    Pending Reviews
    Post Partum
    Potty Training
    Potty-training
    Pregnancy
    Relationships
    Reviews
    Running
    Scary Stuff
    School
    Scotty
    Sleep
    Sororities
    Sunshine Cupcakes
    Surgery
    The Bobby
    The Holidays
    The Miracle Blanket
    The New House
    Todderville
    Toddlerville
    Toys
    Tv
    Tv Review
    Tv Reviews
    Unpopular Opinions
    Vegas
    Weight Loss
    Weird Stuff Kim Says
    Work

    RSS Feed

Thanks for reading!