During rush hour.
It's dead quiet in there, and people line up like zombies clutching packages. Everyone looks disgruntled, everyone is irritated, and everyone is impatient.
So let's add a toddler to the mix, just to spice things up!
As I took my place in line with the other parcel-walkers, Scotty took it upon himself entertain the entire place. He was like a one-man comedy show.
"Mom. Mom! MOM! MOMMY! Look over there! Look! Do you see it?" [I shake my head no, I don't know what the hell he is talking about] "Oh! Big hummer! No, big truck! Oh wow! Mommy, look at the big truck! Say, 'big truck' Mom! Say it! SAY IT!"
Okay, that wasn't so bad. Just normal toddler talk.
Then he attempted to address the crowd.
"Mommy say last night - " ["last night" is a term he uses for everything from literally last night, to three months ago. We're working on time awareness.] " - 'No, Scotty! No! Put that down!' Then Mommy - " [he begins to shake his index finger violently] " - No! No! No! Bad Scotty! Scotty go to time-out! Scotty bad. Mommy bad. Bad Mommy! Mommy, say, 'Bad Mommy!'"
For the record, I have never, ever called my kid 'bad.' I have stated his behavior has been bad, but never him. Where he gets this, I have no idea.
I think he sensed he was losing the crowd, so he went with some potty humor.
"Poop is brown and pee is yellow! Oh, yes, pee is yellow. No touch poo-poo! Poo-poo is no touch. Da-da made poo-poo on the potty last night! Da-da sat on potty and said - " [insert grunting noises here] " - and then Da-da flushed the potty. Scotty made poo-poo on the potty last night too! Scotty get two marshmallows.Scotty good boy. SO GOOD."
It was at this point I stepped away from my child and stated, very loudly, to anyone who was listening (which was all 38 people in line),
"I do not know this child."
Does UPS offer an in-home pick-up service?