TV: "The Bachelorette"

I'm not going to review 'The Bachelorette' so much as I am going to vent about it.

First, I am angry with myself. It's my own fault that I became emotionally involved in this season. I haven't always been a huge fan of the series, even skipping entire seasons altogether. I started watching (again) back in the Deanna Pappas days, when she spurned Jason only to pick that weird ski-boarder dude. Jason, as we all know, later went on to dump Melissa on national television and settle with bland-as-white-bread Molly. I was overjoyed when they announced spunky little Jillian was going to be the new bachelorette. Finally! Someone with personality, independence, and a tendency to pronouce long 'o's. (she's Canadian, eh). Little Jillian is not blond, not ditzy, and best of all, not a Laker cheerleader. (sorry, Trista). I started to believe.

And so my Monday nights have been happily taken up with Jillian and her quest for a 'partner' ("Careful with the 'h' word," she cautioned Chris Harrison in the last episode. Oh, that spunk! What a gal).

And then, last night happened. I'm not going to recap the whole episode, as it can be summed up in four words:

She sent Jake home.

Perhaps three more words also work here: She kept Wes.

I'm done. I give up. All of the confidence I had with this renaissance bachelorette evaporated in the rose ceremony. And I don't remember ABC ever villifying a bachelor quite so much as Wes, the slimy musician from Texas who allegedly is on the show only to promote his music career. Our rather intrepid bachelorette hasn't caught on to this yet, although all of America is on to him, making her look like the doe-eyed, swooning female that is more about romance than reality. Or in other words, just like every single bachelorette in the series' history.

And this stands in stark contrast to set-your-watch-to-him Jake the pilot. He is so good looking he is almost shiny around the edges. He's intelligent, polite, and has perfectly straight, white teeth. He and Jillian shared a one-on-one date during the very first episode, and I think he surprised all of America as well as Jillian with not just his washboard abs but also his ability to two-step BETTER than our bachelorette. Adorable! I cried during their first date (again, I'm blaming it on the hormones) and actually thought to myself, "I am witnessing two people fall in love." I don't consider myself especially swoon-prone, so this was big.

Cut to last night's episode: Jillian tells Chris that Jake is "too perfect" and despite all of his amazing qualities, she thinks he apologizes too much. And as she reaches for the last rose to dole out to her suitors, she pins it on man-boy Michael as opposed to our leading man. Michael must have gotten lost on his way to the studios, since he clearly is a better fit for MTV's 'Real World' than primetime.

And worst of all, minutes after having his dreams crushed, Jake is talking to the camera about - what else? Jillian! He's not angry like Tanner, but worried that the other guys might hurt her. Argh! The agony of it all.

Jillian let the perfect guy go. Inexplicably. And foolishly.  She is exactly the kind of female client I would see in private practice: intelligent, independent women with a penchant for bad boys. When it doesn't work out, they come to therapy, bemoaning their bad luck and their inability to find a stable relationship. Twelve weeks and lots of Kleenex later, you are no closer to helping them than Day One. Any attempt to point out 'Hey! Maybe it's YOU and YOUR choices' is met with deafening silence and the utmost resistance.

It reminds me a conversation I had with a friend several months ago. (It was before bed rest, when I was still non-reclusive). Over lunch, my extremely intelligent, outgoing, vivacious, single friend was telling me about a date she had been on the night before at a dog park. She began to extol her theory about how all men are either one of two kinds of dogs: dobermans or poodles. Dobermans are the bad boys: the guys that drive motorcycles and don't call when they are supposed to. Poodles, as one would guess, are pleasant, thoughtful, and obedient. And, according to my friend, extremely boring.

When I asked what kind of dog her date owned, she dropped her eyes, blushed, and admitted sheepishly, "Doberman," Gosh, I can't imagine why it didn't work out.

I was quick to offer Theory C: what about other breeds? Not all men have to be dangerous and edgy (read: Wes) but all men aren't all poodles, either. Neurotic Reid could be part dalmation. I can't tell Kiptyn and Jesse apart, so they must be from the same litter.  Michael would be a puppy in this analogy. And Jake would definitely be the golden retriever - lovable, sweet, affectionate, and cuddly. And if you want to avoid playing it 'safe,' at least go for a terrier: they are unpredictable and hard to train, but at least they won't drag you to your death the way a doberman will. They will just annoy the hell out of you, but you love them anyways.

I just have one question to pose for Jillian before she selects her 'perfect half' : let's imagine it is three years in the future. She's now married, and just found out she is expecting. Her doctor tells her that she has to go on bed rest for the remainder of pregnancy (where in the world am I coming up with this situation? Sounds so far off base...). Who does she want at her side? Wes, who wil probably be on tour with throngs of female groupies and a reluctance to call home, or would she want Jake, the guy that will likely rub her feet, tell her she is beautiful, and buy her pie when she is hungry?

Yeah, I think the answer is obvious. Jillian, go with the pie guy. Please.

(and yes, I do plan to continue watching - ONLY b/c Jake comes back and he's wearing his cute pilot outfit. And he fights for her honor by confronting Wes! Please, please, let him back on the show, ABC. Or at least make him the next 'Bachelor' so he's given a chance to finish first.)

(and for all of you wondering, I think my husband is kind of like a St. Bernese Mountain Dog; hard-working, social, protective, intelligent -- and destructive to the home when left alone for too long. :-)  Besides, we're cat people).