If there is one thing I love as much my husband (and my family), our cat, and good landscaping, it is probably food. I I love everything you can do with food, the infinite combinations you can come up with. I am also drawn to aesthetically pleasing things, and if I'm going to eat food, it better be pretty food. 

For example, I've learned to like meatloaf again (look, Mom! I'm growing up!) but will never make it myself or order at a restaurant for one valid reason: it's ugly. It's grey meat on a plate with brown gravy. Blah.  I like hamburgers, but a good hamburger to me has a toasted, shiny bun, green leafy lettuce tucked under that bun, a thick cut tomato slice, a wedge of purple onion, and a pleasing yellow-ish slice of cheese. I don't even think I like tomatoes that much, but I need red in that color scheme to complete the meal. If you have ever seen me wield a can of whipped cream, you can attest that I like to make perfect little tufts on pie and ice cream. A doughnut with vanilla frosting and sprinkles is a thing of beauty in my world.  I think I might have been a food stylist in another lifetime. 

It's not surprising then that one of my uber-favorite shows is Top Chef on the Bravo channel. As I have said numerous times, it makes the cooks on Hell's Kitchen look like they work at the Waffle House. Top Chef is all about combining flavor, aesthetics, and presentation in a way that is pleasing to the palate as well as the eye. It is the show that taught me about the amuse bouche, the joy of sous vide cooking, and brought the term 'molecular gastronomy' into my vocabulary. I love the close-ups of each dish. Family-style dining  is about as popular as processed cheese; it's all about the plated presentation. Ahh...attention to detail. Love it.

Prior to pregnancy, my Top Chef regime consisted of pouring a glass of either a buttery Chardonnay or a hearty red Zin* into the appropriate stem-ware, slicing a few pieces of Brie or Cambert cheese with an apple or pear (seasonal, of course), and settling on the couch for the night. Of course, those things are now forbidden to me (minus the fruit) so I can't tell if I'm not into 'Top Chef: Masters' because I am missing my favorite snacks or because it's just not really that good this season.

The premise of this season is a little different than seasons past. Instead of amateur chefs competing for $100,000 ("from the Gladd Family of Products"...) with one contestant being sent home each week, now four professional (and rather famous) chefs compete each week to win $10,000 to a charity of their choice. Between the Quickfire Challenge and then the Judge's Challenge, they earn stars based on the quality and presentation of their meals, with 25 total stars up for grabs.  Six chefs will go on to the finale where they will do something...I just don't know what yet. Stay tuned. Sorry, I'm not an insider.

Anyways, we're talking about some HUGE names here - Hubert Keller, Rick Bayless, Wylie Dufrese. Just add Thomas Keller (no relation to Hubert) and Alain Ducasse and I might have rolled off the couch. Rick Bayless, for those of you who don't know, is famous for his Mexican restaurants in Chicago, which just so happens to be a favorite of our current president (woot!). Hubert Keller, James Beard winner in 1997,  owns Fleur di Lys in San Francisco and Vegas. These are like the A-list stars of the culinary world. They are the Brad and Angelina of food.

And, based on where I live, I get to play pretend that I actually know what I'm talking about. The great thing about Vegas is we have knock-offs of lots of these great restaurants; there is a Fleur di Lys, Joel Robuchon, CraftSteak, CUT, Nobhill, Bouchon - I could go on and on - owned by a slew of celebrity chefs, including Wolfgang Puck, Emeril Lagasse, Bobby Flay, the lovely Hubert Keller, of course...if you are into fine dining, Vegas is a bad place for both your waistline and your wallet. You don't need to have any knowledge to dine there, just a credit card and a pleasant dining companion. 

With all of these options, it's not surprising that anniversaries and birthdays are always an adventure in Vegas. Although I don't think I quite cut it as a true foodie (I still consider the Whooper Jr. to be a perfect meal, when it is made correctly), it's fun to experiment. Brian and I have been to many of the above-named restaurants, dropping what amounts to a car payment on delicious, culinary creations that I no longer remember nor could pronounce. I think I'm the only pregnant woman to ever ask for a table at Joel Robuchon as a push present instead of jewelry. Don't worry - I'm insisting on the tasting menu with wine pairing.

So you can imagine my joy when I heard that some of biggest names in the food business were going to duke it out...or at least, what I thought was joy. Instead, three episodes into the season, there is something missing...something feels under-seasoned. We need a splash of an acid, or perhaps a hint of spice to rev up what is turning into a rather anemic display of culinary talent.

First, let's talk about the judges. As the first episode aired, I sat expectantly on the couch, clutching my enormous, hospital-grade water bottle, eating a turkey burger (so boring, I know, but it's safe), ready for Padma to announce the contestants. But...no Padma. A rail-thin woman with an annoyingly high voice named Kelly Choi was hosting the show. Does Padma know about this? was my first thought. And then...they announced the judges. No Tom. Wait - what? No Tom or Padma? And, as it turns out, no Gail, no Toby...nobody familiar.

My heart sank a little. Instead, we have Jay Rayner, Gael Greene, and James Oseland. Uh...who are they? Do any of them have a cool scar on their arm? No. They are allegedly food critics (most of the chefs pale in fear at the sight of Gael Greene and her little bowler hats), but they don't mesh well. Padma, Tom, Gail and Toby, in my opinion, created a flavor profile of criticism: we had sweet (Padma), sour (Tom), bitter (Gail) and salty (Toby). Occasionally, there was a celebrity chef thrown into the mix, adding the fifth element: savory. But now? It's bland, blander, and just plain treachley. Blech.

And the chefs, while fascinating to watch them work, just don't have the same comraderie as the sixteen, hungry contestants, vying for a top spot. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed watching Hubert Keller rinse macaroni in a college shower, and that French dude brag about his talent only to later fall flat on his oversized ego, but...it just doesn't pop. It is palatable, but not satisfying. Kind of like my giant bottle of water. I drink it because I need to, not because I want to. 

I hope the fourth course is better than the first three.

Grade:  C

* = Looking for a good zinfandel'? Let me recommend anything from the Lodi, California region. According to the sommelier at Fleur di Lys, the rocky soil and dry climate are conducive to growing the best zin grapes. My two favorites are Earthquake Zinfadel and aptly named, The Zin.

O.M.G.

Best.
Show.
Ever.

I've been a fan of the 'Real Housewives' series for quite some time...there is nothing better than finding yourself on a lazy Sunday afternoon with not much on your schedule, only to happily discover an entire marathon of 'Real Housewives' episodes on Bravo. The same channel that brings me my beloved 'Top Chef,' Bravo certainly deserves some applause. First, the Orange County version came out, then the show traveled to New York, Atlanta, and finally, New Jersey. There is loose talk of possibly a Las Vegas version of the show, but we could only be so lucky.

Anyways, onto the New Jersey version. Only six meager episodes long, we meet Teresa, Dina, Caroline, Jacqueline, and Danielle. Three of these women are related - Dina and Caroline are sisters (who married brothers), and Jacqueline married Dina and Caroline's brother, making her their sister-in-law. Teresa has three adorable little girls and a tag line that I've already adopted: "Happy wife, happy life!'" she chirps in the first episode. She and her husband have a propensity to pay cash for everything, and watching them peel off hundred dollar bill after hundred bill is both mesmerizing and slightly disturbing (where did they get all of those bills?!). She spends $123,800 in furniture in one shopping trip...and paid cash for it. Wouldn't that be heavy?

Every show needs a good villian, and Danielle fits the bill. A single mom with a pending divorce settlement and the need to find a new fabulously wealthy partner, she exhibits poor parenting skills and terrible decision making (gucci model? really? Really?). She and Jacqueline are friends, but for reasons unexplained on the show, Danielle and Dina don't see eye to eye. They even go to the same hair salon, which offers several awkward run-ins. Danielle has that creepy, needy friend quality that makes most normal people run for the hills. She doesn't seem to care that her friendship with Jacqueline (and dislike of Dina) puts Jacqueline squarely in the middle, a position Jacqueline laments during each episode. Jacqueline is a former Vegas resident, so she was an instant favorite.

Caroline has this tough, Jersery-like quality to her (or what I imagine to be 'Jersey-like,' since I've never been there). She has three almost-grown children and dotes on her family like a protective lion. During the last episode, it also shows her training her German shepard to viciously attack intruders. Um...yeah. I would not mess with Caroline.

The strong Italian-Catholic undertone of the show was something I found fascinating; there was no hesitation to unleash emotion. The strong family connection resonated in the last episode, as Caroline took the blame for her sister while wagging her finger at Danielle, stating, "You need to understand my family," she drawled in her thick NJ accent. "We...[dramatic pause]...are as thick as thieves." You go, girl!

Speaking of the last episode...holy catfight! (quote from Bethanny, RH of NY). I hope it goes down as one of the greatest trainwrecks of reality TV, ever. Sweet little Teresa had organized a dinner party for the other four women and their families, to celebrate her onyx-and-marble 10-million square feet dream home. Danielle decides to use the occasion to confront the other women about talking behind her back. And not surprisingly, all hell breaks loose.

With children present, all five women start shouting accusations at each other. Daniella accuses Dina of spreading lies (via a book, 'Cop Without a Badge,' by Charles Kipp. Yup, I ordered it). Dina adamantly denies this allegation. Caroline jumps in and defends her sister, claiming she was the one who found the book. Jacqueline, out of no where, goes against family loyalty and calls Dina a 'big fat liar.' Danielle looks as smug as the cat that ate the canary as Jacqueline choses friendship over family. And then, out of nowhere, Teresa asks a question about the book and Danielle snaps at her, 'Pay attention!'

And Teresa completely loses it.

I tried to record what happened next, verbatim, and this is what I came up with:

Teresa: "You [BLEEP]! You freaking [BLEEPING] [BLEEP]! I (inaudible, sounds like growling noises)...[BLEEP] you!"
[Teresa bangs table with both fists]
-- Cut to Dina, talking to the camera, claiming she has known Teresa for 15 years and has never witnessed an ounce of this kind of behavior. --
--Cut back to Teresa, at the dinner party. She now stands, still yelling. --
"[BLEEP]! You [BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]'
And then...she DUMPS THE TABLE.

Holy cow! I didn't even know you could DO that! Throw/dump a table??? In my wildest revenge fantasies, I've only gotten to the point of throwing a drink in someone's face, or possibly stepping on their foot. But the whole table? With all of the stem ware and plates and food? What about the glass shards? Someone could cut their foot.

I even made my husband watch this scene after he got home from work. Watching his jaw drop as Teresa overturns the table was totally worth it. Who does that? I mean, seriously?

And the reason for Teresa's completely apesh*t departure from reality? She felt as though Danielle was calling her stupid. And clearly, no one calls her stupid. (note to self: don't break into Caroline's house, and do not call Teresa stupid).

After the melee finally quiets down, Dina offers quite possibly the best line I've heard in a long time. She confronts Danielle and tells her that she is not mad at her, but instead, "I will pray for you, as you clearly are kind of koo-koo." How great is that? 'I will PRAY for you.' Ouch. I'm totally going to use that in the future.

It looks as though Bravo will grace us with one more episode, airing on June 18th. Aptly named 'The Last Supper,' (love those Catholic undertones!), it is the director's cut of the last episode. You better believe I'm going to tune in.

Good, mindless fun.

Grade: A-