Ahh, the fantasy suite dates. The one episode of the show that is completely cringe-worthy (as if the first eight eps were not, but this one really gives me the heebie-jeebies.) With three suitors left, Emily has to read the date card aloud to each man, offering them a chance to stay in the fantasy suite "should they chose to forgo their individual rooms." I don't know about you, but I am a firm (though likely naive) believer that not a lot happens at during these night dates. I mean, it's kind of...yucky. I think it's sweet if the guys want to stay over and like, talk and stuff, but I just cannot let my mind go anywhere else or again, as noted earlier, I get the heebie-jeebies.

(I just really like that word right now, too. Heebie-jeebie! Wee!)

So you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was that Emily chose NOT to forgo her individual room. I mean, she did, but not really, but then Jef did, but well, I'll explain it all later. Just know I gave a silent fist pump to the southern belle for not sleazing up ABC's 8 o'clock programming. No overnight dates, and no hot tubs this season. Nice work, Emily!

The kids are in Curucao, which I had always pronouced "ker-A-CO." Who knew it's actually "ker-a-SOW"? The water is blue, the sky is bright, and Emily trots off to meet...Sean! The one guy that has not professed his undying love for her. Can anyone answer me, has any bachelor/bachelorette ever had so many professions of love so early in the game? I mean, Arie was saying he loved her three episodes ago. It seems that by the time the Fantasy Suite Dates arrive, most folks are hemming on the "well, I think I am falling in love with you...kind of" phase. Not this Bachelorette. She's tapping her watch, waiting for Sean to make his giant statement, though Sean has no idea two other guys have beaten him to the punch. Poor Sean.

He did, however, finally get there. He wrote a very sweet (though kind of creepy, no?) letter to Ricky, Emily's seven year old daughter. In any other context, this would be weird (if not criminal), though it's 'The Bachelorette' and Emily lapped it up. Sean finally out with the three big words - I love you - and they kissed for awhile. Everyone in the audience knew he was toast at this point, but that's fine. He'd make a great Bachelor and I'm sure most single women in America would appreciate that.

Next up - one-f-Jef. Fresh off their Utah hometown date, but Emily and Jef couldn't gush enough about each other in the voice-overs. And while I thought (note the past tense) he would finish a distant second behind Arie, Emily said something that was very interesting - "I feel like I can be myself around him." That's noteworthy. Because as we know, in all good relationships, we're not jumping off of sailboats and going to candelit dinners every night; we're asking our spouses to pick up more toilet paper at the store and wake up with the baby and use the damn broom for once! -- Whoops, got a little ahead of myself there --  But you have to be yourself in a healthy relationship - false eyelashes, island vacations, and room service aside. I think that Emily feels the most relaxed and comfortable around one-f, which makes me think he's gained some ground on the A-man.

Jef also asked a startlingly good question over dinner - "What are you like when Ricky Bobby is around?" God, this is a good question. I immediately flashed to myself, which if Scotty's not around, there's a 90% chance I'm pretty nice and follow most social graces. If the Bear is present, however, I'm a.) not looking at you b/c I'm watching my child, b.) likely correcting my child to take [that] out of his mouth, put [that] down, or get off of [that], and c.) probably fairly grumpy because while I'd like to be giving you my full attention, I can't because my child is screaming at me. So yeah, Emily-without-RB is very likely much different than Emily-with-RB. Points for astuteness, one-F. Nice job.

Interestingly, as noted earlier, Emily did not allow Sean to stay the night. He was forced to walk out, into the darkness, back to his villa. With Jef, Emily had the words on her lips when the kid beat her to the punch. He said it's not respectful to their families or RB, so let's not, m'kay? And Emily kind of pouted off camera, bemoaning that she wanted to turn him down, not the other way around. Ahh, one-F, I think you might win this thing after all! Between his voice-over gushing, smart questions, and constant ability to make her chase him, he has played this game remarkably well. Bravo, Jef! Just tell us what religion you are now so we can all stop guessing.

Arie's date was kind of a let down. They made out for like, hours, on a boat, and she didn't even offer him the key to the fantasy suite, saying she "didn't trust herself." Wow. Okay, so maybe they do more than stay up talking and watching movies? Don't tell me, don't tell me! ::covering my ears::

Anywho, Arie looked incredibly cute at the rose ceremony and I was happy to see him get a rose. One-f, of course, got one too. Sean was sent packing and Emily tried to console him, but the whole time I kept wondering a.) if her hair was fake and b.) why she dressed like a sparkly mermaid. Not a fan of that skirt. Or the dressy pony. But sweet Sean, who so desperately wants to find love, got sent home in the Rejection Limo/SUV/island vehicle. He looked sad, but I have no doubt this show will catapult him into great things. He seems like a genuinely nice guy.

So...the men tell all next week! And after that - the finale! Who's it going to be? Arie, the super kissable guy who took the lead on day 1, or is dark-horse-one-f going to make a surprise come-from-behind victory? Will Emily choose no one? How grumpy does Emily's dad look? And perhaps most pressing...does anyone ever actually eat their dinner on this show, or does it all go to waste?

Post your comments below!

Editor's Note: I am in Indiana for the next few weeks and unable to watch 'The Bachelorette,' mainly because I cannot inflict that kind of torture on my mother. She asks a lot of questions and although men and women dating on TV with roses and a host is totally commonplace to me, I guess it's not to her. So I enlisted the help of my trusty former intern (and native Spanish speaker, as you will remember the Alejandro 'commitment/compromise' debacle) Mariana to write this week's review. She lives in San Diego with her husband, new (adorable!) baby girl and some good friend who also enjoy The Bachelor/Bachelorette series. Thanks, Mariana!! Great review!
 
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I’d like to dedicate this blog post to my friends Ellen and Megan. They have been coming to my home for our weekly date with Chris Harrison for about a year now. We kept it going throughout my pregnancy and even three days after my baby was born. It’s my favorite night of the week because I get to feel like my old self again, wine glass in hand and witty banter while we poke fun of the show. Girls, this one is for you!

Emily and her suitors traveled to Croatia this week; Ricky Bobby
went home with her nanny. I guess we won’t be seeing anymore video montages of what a wonderful mommy Emily is anymore, DARN! And poor Emily still sounds hoarse, as Megan quickly diagnosed her with
mono.

Travis got the first date and Emily declared, as usual, “I feel
that (fill in the blank) is perfect for this date!” And Travis predictably expressed “There is no one I'd rather be with right now!” They did the touristy thing and hit the streets of some city in Croatia I can’t pronounce let alone spell. They danced to a street musician in some ally (totally scripted), had “ice cream” (pretty sure it was Gelato), and practiced the local romance ritual of the area like they have done in the last five episodes. In the end Emily sent Travis packing and explained that she just didn’t have romantic feelings for him. We are pretty sure he was also sent home on an empty stomach, poor fella. And to add insult to injury she told him “Bye honey”. Really…honey?!
Travis looked pretty devastated as he walked away crying and threw his umbrella aside. 

Emily chose Doug, Wolf (John), Jef, Arie, Sean, and Chris for the group date. ABC plugged the new Disney movie Brave by having the clan watch the movie and later dress in kilts to compete in highland games. I’m geographically impaired but what the heck does Scotland have
to do with Croatia?! Is there so little to do in Croatia that the entire date had to be inspired by a Disney movie?! We did appreciate the gratuitous footage of the guys stripping down to change into their kilts though, and who doesn’t love bagpipes? Thanks ABC!

It was kind of pathetic watching the guys shivering in their kilts why they tried to impress Emily. The two beefcakes, Doug and Sean looked awesome and did really well. Chris won the award/chalice, for his “bravery” because he chose to compete against Sean even though he knew he didn’t stand a chance. Emily kissed him when they had some alone time and she told him that she missed him.


This week Emily donned a sparkly number for all her evening dates. A few of the one-on-one times were highlighted. Emily assured Sean that they feel the same for each other and she wants him to remain confident “now and in the future when things get harder”. It looks like he will stick around awhile which is cool, we like Sean.

Arie disclosed feeling anxious about how they left things in
London and that he didn’t stand up for her. But she reassured him that shelikes spending time with him and so he pressed her up against a wall for a sexy make-out session.


Jef, ever the gentleman, gave Emily his coat and told her“like I
get really excited to hang out with you. I feel like…like…like”. I lost track of all the likes in his interaction with Emily. But she did ask him “What took you so long to kiss me?”, which of course got the sexuality questions in our minds stirring. His response did not disappoint, “I’m scared of you!”(Because she has a vagina??) At which Emily responded “you keep me guessing” Yeah, us too! She gave the rose to Chris but I can’t remember why because I was too busy making
fun of one-f Jef. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a super nice guy and maybe he is LDS or just super metro. 

Ryan apparently took three hours to get ready for his date because Chris claims that Ryan “shaves his legs and plucks his finger
hairs.” Emily and Ryan drove to their date, Oyster fishing. They flirted with each other on the way their and Emily explained that she knows 
Ryan is trouble but finds him endearing and senses good chemistry between them. In the evening  Emily asked her usual and appropriate questions, one being “What role do you see your wife playing in your life?”  Ryan’s response, “Not just a trophy .“ Emily was alarmed,
“there’s that word again!” Then Ryan tried one of his tricks again and pulled out a list he created of “12 things I want in a wife”, but thankfully, Emily didn’t fall for this one. Emily confidently explained that she does not want to have to fit into someone else’s mold, go Emily! And she was disappointed that having a loving family was not on his list. So she took the rose and told him that even though he is good looking and a good kisser, they just don’t want the same things in a relationship.

This is where it gets creepy.

Red flags, domestic violence creepy. He tried to intimidate her by staring her down and taking advantage of her insecurities. He is a manipulative narcissist. But good-ol Emily held fast and sent him off.

But Ryan did not go quietly into the night.

On his way out he described himself as a “winner” and proceeded
to compare himself to the “greatest men in the world”. Then, (and this is my favorite part) he looks to the crew and asks the editors to portray him for who he “really is” and “not an arrogant ass”. I don’t think all the editing in the world would have helped you Ryan, unless you were just edited off entirely. The guys back in headquarters were happy to see his suitcase, I mean duffle bag, taken away. One-f-Jef correctly surmised that Ryan really only came on the show
because he wants to be the next bachelor. 

Later that evening Aries sneaks off to see Emily and praise her
for her good judgment in kicking Ryan off. Emily was excited that someone “finally” came to visit her. He lounged on her bed and they played and made out. They seem to really fit well together and Arie later told the cameras that he is falling in love with Emily. 

The evening of the rose ceremony, Emily expressed that Doug and
Wolf were on the bubble this week. During John’s one-on –one time, he and Emily bonded over the loss of loved ones and shared their first kiss. Doug told Emily that he knows her relationships with the other men are growing and he is falling behind. But he still didn’t kiss her. The men have dubbed him Humble Doug. Emily told him that she wants him to be Confident Doug. Later during a camera interview Doug cried about missing his son, it was sweet. 

The rose ceremony had an interesting twist with Emily excusing
herself when she got to the last rose so she could speak with Chris. She told Chris she didn’t know what to do. When she returned, she told the guys that she could not hand out the final rose, pause for dramatic effect…then Chris brings in an extra rose!!!! They both get to stay and they all live happily ever after…until next week where they finally show the preview of Emily finding out about Arie’s previous relationship. But, as Ellen pointed out, there are no beaches in Prague (they showed a beach scene) so we may have to wait a little
longer.

My one lingering question after watching Monday's episode...

how the heck does Jef know what a Chloe bag is?

Had he said Chanel...or Louis Vuittan...or heck, even Coach, I would have not batted an eyelash. But Chloe? Really? That seems kind of a reach for most guys. If I asked my husband to describe Chloe to me, he would probably ask, "Is that a friend of yours? Is she in Junior League?"

As Mariana so aptly pointed out last week, we're still not 100% sure what team Jef is playing for. The Chloe comment only deepens the mystery. And his hesitancy to kiss Emily really makes me question things. But more on that in a moment.

(Also, I'm short on time, so this will be an abbreviated entry)

So we start with Emily and Ricky in London - yay double decker buses! Scotty would have been equally excited to see a red double decker up close. Emily picked Sean for the first date, and he strikes me as this season's Tenley - sweet, not a drama-creator, gets along with everyone. But at the same time, not a lot of fire. Emily and Sean took in the sights ("I should know what that is," said Sean as they passed Big Ben. Yup, you should), kissed for the camera, and Sean made a somewhat-decent speech on Speaker's Corner. (I think I got that name right.) They then had dinner at the Tower of London where - ew - people were like, murdered and tortured and stuff. Not my pick for a romantic, candle-lit dinner, but whatever floats Emily's boat. I liked her sense of humor when she told Sean to play his cards right or ::swish::! Off with his head.

She didn't behead him though - he got the rose.

On to the group date. I'm going to skip all the silly Romeo-Juliet-stuff (although Arie made an adorable nurse) and get right to the good stuff: the "Ricky is baggage" comment. So Doug overheard Kalon say this statement, and told Emily during their alone time during the group date. Emily immediately took action. Doug rallied the boys up, Emily confronted Kalon, Kalon stammered and tried to back-track without really apologizing (not a good move, dude - ask any husband out there. You never do that. Always apologize first) and Emily told him to "get the f*** out." Aw, snap. Kalon got the f*** out, Doug looked mighty pleased with himself, and Emily gave no one a rose, declaring herself tired and very upset.

What is fascinating about this exchange is this is essentially what happened during Ben's season's regarding Courtney. Yes, no one called his non-existent child "baggage," but the girls felt very strongly about warning Ben about a woman in their presence that they felt did not have his best interests at heart. What happened, however, is nothing like Emily's reaction - Ben admonished Emily (another Emily, not this one) and told her to "tread lightly." It, in effect, destroyed any chance at a relationship between Ben and Emily.

Now, I'm not sure if Ben and the Other Emily (let's call her Dr. Emily, shall we?) had a chance at a relationship, but I think it's interesting to note how men and women handle this kind of situation so differently. Emily (our Emily) expected the men to tell her about Kalon's admission, and when they didn't, she felt disrespected. She took it out hardest on the guy she likes the most, Arie. All of the men said something to the effect of, "I assumed she knew what she was doing" and "She would see through Kalon soon enough and it didn't require me saying something." Emily, however, took this as a breach of loyalty from the men. And Ben, as we know, ended up protecting Courtney since he felt as though she was getting picked on by the other girls. Just so I have this straight, Ben ended up siding with the person who was allegedly in it for the wrong reasons, whereas Emily took action and immediately dismissed the person. Interesting, no?

That aside, I really think her connection with Jef deepened as a result of this whole situation. She was hurt and wounded and he just happened to get the one-one-one date with her the day after all of this went down. She confided to him about her hurt feelings and he comforted her. There weren't a lot of sparks in the "egg" - what was that thing? - but he did go in for a kiss (finally!) as they gazed at the Thames River. Finally, Jef. Finally.

Now, on to Jef's er, sexuality. Yes, the Chloe bag comment was a little surprising. And his romantic timidness is a bit suspicious until I remembered he's from Salt Lake City. I'm not sure if he is LDS or was LDS (I'm not saying you have to be Mormon if you are from SLC, but there's a good chance), but his religious views may be having an affect on his romantic behavior. Maybe he's just a bit more of a slow mover than the rest of the lotharios (Ryan, I'm looking at you.) This isn't a bad thing, it's just the way he is. He strikes me as very serious and does jump into things quickly. I gotta respect him for that. Either way, it should be interesting to see how it plays out.

In the end, it was Alejandro the mushroom farmer from MN that got the boot. I think we all agree that he never really stood a chance of going the distance with Emily, but he certainly seemed like a sweet guy who didn't get much camera time. Best of luck, Alejandro.

Next week, the crew travels to Croatia and it looks amazing there. In the previews, Emily was shown yelling at producers, demanding to know, 'Who else is not here for me?' making me wonder what went down. It also makes me wonder if all of the guys are going to start ratting each other out at any given moment since Emily rewarded Doug's disclosure of information so highly.  And - spoiler alert - US Weekly is claiming that Arie gets the boot because he failed to acknowledge a past relationship with one of the show's producers to Emily, and when she finds out, she cuts him immediately. Whoa, girlfriend. Slow your roll. The relationship was in 2003, a year before you even had Ricky. Everyone has a past. And besides, if Arie doesn't win, who does?? Jef? Chris??

All of a sudden, this got interested.

Your thoughts? 

Before we discuss the most recent episode of "The Bachelorette," first I need to state that my family vacationed in Bermuda when I was 15. It was quite possibly the greatest trip of my life. For two weeks, we stayed at the Pink Beach Club in Tucker's Town in a cute little seaside cottage. We snorkeled, went deep sea fishing, shopped, and played tennis. It was wonderful. The trip was almost 20 years ago, but seeing the pink and yellow houses brought it back instantly, so I will admit - I spent more time focusing on landmarks on the island than paying attention to Emily and her suitors.

Memories aside, is it me or is this season started to seem a little...slow? I'm struggling to care about the guys at this point - Arie seems like such clear cut winner that I'm having trouble focusing on everything else. Doug's "perfect" answers are wearing thin, Chris is too young, Jef stumbled out of the gate and just can't seem to catch the momentum that Arie has - leaving the race car driver as the winner. Maybe I'm dead wrong about that, but it seems fairly obvious at this point.

Emily is content to play on the beach with Ricky Bobby and dream of returning to the island with her "husband and babies, maybe pushing a baby stroller." Whoa, whoa, girlfriend. Slow your roll. You've known all of these dudes for less than 4 weeks - let's put the baby-stroller-dreams aside for a second. You have a one-on-one date to attend.

Doug landed the first date and you would have thought they asked him to walk through hot lava. He immediately began fretting, leaving him fair game for ridicule by the other guys. And he got mad, fast. Arie said it best - "Doug ANGRY. Doug SMASH. Doug sad." Hee, hee. I like Arie.

Emily really means business when she says she wants to find a husband, as she forced Doug to walk through the little shops in Hamilton and pretend to admire blown glass. Not sure if this date was her idea or production is really suffering budget issues, but Emily, live it up! Whatever ABC offers you, accept it! Go paragliding/hand-gliding/scuba diving or any other -diving related activity. Those activities are spendy, and once you have babies, you won't be able to do or afford any of that fun stuff. Live it up! Let's face it - shopping for coral necklaces makes for extremely dull TV.

(Editor's note: the perfume factory is still there! We went there!)

They talked, walked, and sat on the steps of a church. (::yawn::) Emily pressed Doug for serious answers, and he did the "turn-flaws-into-positive-attributes" thing. Yes Doug, we know you care too much and are too hard of a worker. Those are not bad things. I'm willing to bet Doug has a very serious dark side in there (as it started to come out during the guys' ribbing of him earlier that day), but he keeps it tightly contained. The Incredible Hulk is an excellent analogy - thank you, Arie.

There was no smoochie on this date and Doug referred to himself in the third person. I'm giving him 2 more episodes before he's toast.

On the group date, Emily saw fit to put the men on giant boats after a 20 second sailing lesson and have these amped-up alpha males careen around a harbor. Yikes. And then a third boat came into the harbor dumping explosive green slime and all of the boats blew up in a giant fireball. Oh wait, that was on Game of Thrones. My bad. No, these guys just took these massive, probably-incredibly-expensive boats and flipped around on them in a race to spend more time with Emily. The mellow-yellow team won, leaving the red team heartbroken and sobbing in the van. I will not make fun of Charlie, since I have a soft spot in my heart for the guy. Hang in there, bud. We known you are hurting.

After Emily and Arie made out on the beach for what seemed like forever, she and her white afghan blanket made the rounds with the other boys, making small talk with them while pretending to be interested (but secretly thinking about Arie the whole time).  I bet you any money a producer told her to give the rose to Jef to make it seems less obvious that Arie is her main guy. She's kissed some of the other guys, but you can tell - she and Arie just dig each other.

After the group date, she had to suffer through the dreaded two-on-one date with Wolf and Nate. Neither of these guys have been given much face-time, leading me to believe their Bachelorette-stint will also be short-lived. I'm not sure who chose a cave as the perfect setting for dinner (yikes! How claustrophobic did that look??) but Emily looked as though she'd rather be swimming with sharks than on this date. In the end, Nate got the boot, but that's okay since sources are claiming that not even his real name and he is an actor from Hollywood. Once again, great job, casting department.

Finally at the rose ceremony, Doug and Chris engaged in some contrived banter about Chris' age and his ability/inability to walk into a parenting role. Emily, bless her heart, told Chris H that based on what she's seen so far, all of the drama in the house tends to revolve around two guys: Ryan or Doug. Bravo, Emily! Thank you for seeing people who they are really are.

I haven't talked much about Ryan here, but let's face it - this guy is digging his own grave, one stupid comment at a time. From the "I'd love you but not love on you" comment about her future weight gain to "You are a role model for millions of little girls" (huh??), the boy needs to pull it together. He's a condescending, judgmental jerk that stands about as much of a chance of becoming the next Bachelor as my friend's basset hound. (No offense to JD - he's a great dog - it's just not going to happen). I'm not really clear as to why Emily is keeping him around, though producers may be whispering in her ear that he's the guy America is going to love to hate. And his comments make for entertaining TV.

In the end, it was Charlie (::sniff::), Michael (who??) and Nate who left Bermuda. The kids go to London next week, that tiny town in England that hasn't been in the news at all lately. (Happy Diamond Jubilee!)

So what are your thoughts? When does Doug's mask fall off and we all see him as a green hulk? Does Ryan force Emily to start working out? When is Jef going to make his move? And finally, who calls Ricky Bobby "baggage?" My money is on Kalon aka Christian Grey. Tune in next week!

Ah, you people kill me.

After my review of Sunday night TV, I heard from many of you who do not support my boycott of HBO's "Game of Thrones." I ignored it for awhile, though our DVR kept recording the series. And then on Saturday night, Brian and I found ourselves with nothing else to watch, so we hit the 'play' button and gave GOT another shot.

And you know what? For the first time all season, I did not fall asleep at the 19 minute mark.

(In my defense, we have "soft pillow" - as Scotty calls it - and soft pillow is this magical fuzzy brown pillow that instantly creates slumber the moment your cheek hits it. I usually start watching TV sitting upright, but by about the 15-minute mark, I'm slowly, slowly sinking into the couch. By minute 18, my head is looking for soft pillow. By minute 19, it's night-night time.)

(I love soft pillow so much.)

Anywho, soft pillow was on the other side of the couch and I managed to remain conscious for the entire hour. And it wasn't so bad! We watched another one on Monday night, and another episode last night. I gotta say, it's definitely improving. My formula of "talk-talk-extreme violence-gruesome death-boobies!" still holds, but at least the story finally seems to be moving forward.

I'm not sure who I'm rooting for, either - obviously we are all anti-King Joffery - but I totally love Peter Dinklage and his character, making me a Lannister sympathizer. But Jaime is such a dog! And his sister! Yuck. Gotta love the Starks/Snows and I will admit, I think the strange friendship budding between the oldest Lannister (the grandfather) and Aria is kind of sweet, though every time they have a scene together I hold my breath, thinking he's going to realize who she is. We all hate the dude who invaded Winterfell (never liked him much, really) and last night's episode ended with him showing the people the (alleged) corpses of the little Stark boys. I don't buy it - I don't think they were able to find the boys. And finally, I know I've missed like, 1,200 characters (this story is unbelievably wide), but I really do like the Khalessi. I'm glad they are finally out of the Red Waste and I hope she gets her dragons back. There are a number of times that I, too, have thought of myself as a Mother of a Dragon. (bear, dragon, it's all the same at a certain point).

I'm excited to catch up, and by Sunday, we should be ready for the final episode. Your thoughts?

Ack. So behind. The Virus from last week impaired my ability to write the review from last week's episode, and this week, I'm behind due to the holiday. I've gotten several questions about blogging this season, and quite frankly, if I can get my shizz together, the answer is yes. It just takes me a little time to pull things together.

Okay, so last week and this week: where does that leave us with Emily? So far, the one-on-one dates have gone to Ryan, the sports trainer, Joe, the guy with the curly hair, Chris, the Gerard-Butler-look-alike (uncanny, no?) and Arie, the race car driver from Scottsdale. Group dates have been fairly benign with an activity during the day and then a trip to some Charlotte-bar-establishment, and nary a hot tub in sight. We've had a couple private jets, but no jacuzzis.

Oh yeah, and there were some Muppets. Kinda random, but isn't the Muppet movie coming out on DVD soon? Does ABC own the Muppets? Is that part of Disney? Anyone?

My thoughts? First, private jets notwithstanding, I would have thought the production needed to save some cash based on the dates the guys have gone on. I mean unloading groceries and baking cookies? Having the guys go to the park with your moms' group? ABC, are we doing okay financially?

Which leads me to my next thought: these dates would never work for anyone but Emily as the Bachelorette. Could you imagine if poor Ashley tried to pull the "empty the groceries from my car" move during her season? Half the guys would have left. And the interrogation by the moms (at a park!) would have spelled certain death for just about anyone else, too. I mean, Emily gets away with putting the men through these torturous dates because she is incredibly good-looking, sweet as pie, and knows without a shadow of a doubt she has the upper hand. These men are eating out of the palm of her hand, and it's quite impressive. I would say this works for about 1% of the total female population, and only if you've been blessed with long legs, great hair, and a killer smile. I'm not jealous, I'm simply in awe. This woman doesn't even have to dress up to get the men to fall over themselves to get to her; she just shows up in countless striped-shirt after striped-shirt, and they are ready to get down on one knee. Fascinating. It makes me think of how birds with most colorful or vibrant feathers attract mates. She's definitely a pretty peacock with her share of fawning male peacocks.

Looks aside, she appears to be taking this very seriously. As she has said repeatedly, "It worked the first time [with Brad]." That makes me think...it worked with Brad - up until it didn't work anymore....and now you are back again? I mean, yes, you got engaged on national television after a whirlwind romance and then you broke up when you actually got to know each other. Uh...okay, no comment here. Rationality aside, let's just enjoy the show for what it is: mindless entertainment.

On to the guys. A few have been sent home - Tony missed his son too much, Joe got the boot while in West Virginia (bummer! - that was rather unexpected), and a few others (namely, Stevie) have not received roses. I'm not sure what's going on with Travis and his egg - why did they smash it? Was anyone else kind of horrified by as their symbolic child hit the pavement? - while Kalon continues to annoy the crap out of me. Tall, skinny, and condescending - Emily nailed it. Just add to that list: pretentious, self-involved, and enjoys wearing stupid glasses with a nasaly voice. Why did he get a rose again?

As for front-runners, I really think Arie has this in the bag. First, he's just as good-looking as Emily (like begets like). Second, he's in a sport that may be potentially painful for her to be near, but it's familiar to her and she more than anyone understands what it's like to date a race car driver. I think that familiarity will really go a long way. And finally, she's already confiding in him about the other guys? That screams a.) she trusts him and b.) they've gotten past the "How many siblings do you have?" chats to have more process-oriented conversations (i.e. "This is really stressful...[smoochie, smoochie, snuggle]" And yes, I was shocked that they were literally making out in front of all the other guys. Emily strikes me as the type of gal that gets serious with one guy, fast. And I think for as much as ABC wants to drag this out, it's going to be obvious that it's Arie in the end. Because it was always Arie from the beginning.

Other guys to watch: love Doug but there is something off with him. Too sensitive, maybe? He had a really tough life (father passed away, in foster care, etc) which may be a little off-putting. Jef seems rather boring but Emily likes the little verbal banter between them. Chris is cute but only 25; you could tell the moment he said his age, she gave him a mental strike. Which is kind of funny, since it seems like girls (like myself) can be flexible about so much, but there are some things - like age - that are simply non-negotiable. If she has always dated older guys, I guarantee you this is one of those weird no-flexibility rules in her head. Hair color, eye color, occupation - all flexible. Age? Nope. Must. Be. Older.

(Arie is 30, just FYI.)

And finally, can just say: I'm impressed with the Bachelorette so far. I like her moms' group. I like her sass. If she ever wanted to move to Vegas, I think she'd fit right in with our playground gang. Little Ricky Bobby is a bit older than the rest of the crowd, but she could be a little junior baby-sitter and push the toddlers on the swings while the moms drink coffee on the park bench. So Emily, in the unlikely event that you are reading this, know that you have friends in Vegas. Just give us a shout if you ever come to town. :-) 

What are you thoughts? Do you think Arie has this in the bag, or is there a dark horse in the mix? How many sparkly dresses do you think Emily will wear this season? And most importantly...which guy strikes you as future Bachelor material???

Editor's note: My very sweet Spanish-speaking friend and former-intern-turned-new-mom Mariana emailed me today with this little tidbit: "compromiso" in Spanish means commitment. She thinks that Alessandro was just simply trying to say Ricky Bobby represents a commitment, not a compromise in the relationship, but it was lost in translation. Based on his reaction in the limo of utter confusion, I totally agree. Poor guy. And thank you, Mariana, for your help! Let's hope this gets straightened out (or at least addressed) during "The Guys Tell All" in a few months.

From best to worst:

Mad Men (AMC):  The fifth season of this remarkable show may just be its best. And coming from someone who had a hard time getting into the slow, deliberate nature of each scene, I've been on the edge of my seat most of this season.

Maybe it's fat Betty or this new, family-friendly version of Don Draper, but I cannot get enough of Mad Men right now. As Brian and I discussed this morning, "If you can't have zombies, I guess the next best thing is ad execs in the 1960s." Juxtaposed in real life events of that era, we've laughed, gasped, and looked on in horror at the subtle nuances of life transform the folks at Sterling Draper Campbell Price. The best line of this year? Roger, as he encouraged Don to stump for clients during the American Cancer Society dinner at which he was being honored: "Who knows? Maybe Jesus was just trying to land the loaves and fishes account."

Whether it's Don's go-get-'em speech from last night (the Jaguar account!), Peggy's turn at co-habitation (and extreme maternal disappointment), Roger's trip on LSD, the weird new guy Ginsberg, or Joan just being awesome as Joan ("Here's a surprise! There's an airplane here to see you!"), I adore Mad Men Season 5. Only three episodes left! Will Betty lose the weight? Will Sally continue to play psychological war-fare with her mother? Is Don going to cheat on Megan? Will Lane get caught? Are the writers setting up Pete to kill himself?

Ahh! Regardless of the answers, we all know they will look good doing it. Cheers, friends.

Grade: A+

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo):  Oh, the Gorgas/Guidices/Manzos/Lauritas/Wakiles of the world. Let's just get it over with, okay? This retched family fight that has now been dragging on for the past two years is getting a little tired. I'm exhausted just watching the bickering, so I can't imagine how they feel.

Best of all, this season was filmed a year ago. I'm wondering what the state of these relationships are currently, considering all of the drama. Just to catch up you in case you don't know, here's a quick history: Melissa is married to Joe, Teresa's brother. Teresa is also married to a Joe, and her Joe has had a tough couple years. There's a chance he may "go away." (don't say 'prison'). Teresa's cousin is Kathy, who is married to Rich and they have two hilarious kids. Jacqueline and Caroline (sisters-in-law) are still on the show, but Dina, Caroline's sister, dropped out two seasons ago and has (had?) a show on HGTV. Who knows where Danielle is. Either way, sisters-in-law Melissa and Teresa are at odds, mainly as a result of the fight Teresa and her brother Joe are in. At this point, that's all I can keep straight. I forgot how it started or who started it, and quite frankly, I don't care. It's just a lot of finger-pointing and shouting.

On this Sunday's episode, it was especially painful to see Teresa's 10-year old daughter get dragged into the mix. I don't understand how the powers that govern reality TV can be okay with letting a minor get dragged into family skirmishes and then aired for all the world to see. The show's most redeeming characters are the (adult) Manzo kids Albie, Christopher, and Lauren, and Kathy's sister, Aunt Rosie. And let's hope we see more of "Ham Linky" in the future, too.

Grade:  B-

Game of Thrones (HBO): Oh my goodness. Don't even get me started on this show.

I gave it a chance. I watched all of last season, and really ended up enjoying most of it. But this year, it feels more like we have an appointment with our DVR than any level of real enthusiasm when we sit down to watch Game of Thrones. Yes, you may argue, but it gets better. Or perhaps you'll encourage me to read the series by George R.R. Martin (why two middle initials? Can anyone explain that to me?) But the thing is, if I can't sit through an hour-long drama on television, there is no chance I'll be able to finish a 600+ page book, let alone a series of books. (no chance, people. Naps around here about 90 minutes at best). The number of characters, the fantasy of the world they live in, the totally different language they speak...I'm lost.

I tried to simplify things in my brain and came up with this:

First 20 minutes: Lots of talking by characters we've never met before
Next 5 minutes: Gratuitous fight scene. Lots of blood.
Ten more minutes: More talking
Next three minutes: Walking through a desert. I'm thirsty.
Ten minutes: Gratuitous fight scene.
Five minutes: Nudie people! Gratuitous sex scene
Five minutes: More talking
Two minutes: Shocking ending! Let's kill babies!

And we're done.

Considering there is a finite amount of space on our DVR, this one is likely to get clipped. Sorry, GOT.

Grade: D (for dull)

Hey y'all! I got ABC to build me a reality TV mansion in Charlotte!

That's probably what our newest Bachelorette trilled to her friends earlier this year. She somehow managed to convince production to transplant the entire franchise on the other side of the country...and I'm kind of proud of her. Nothing against Nevada's neighbor, but it's nice to see things taken out of LA for a bit. Let's go, Charlotte!

And for a second, I thought maybe not only had they moved production to a different city, but a different year as well...like, 1984? Between the boom box and Jef's haircut that was reminsceint of Anthony Michael Hall's "the Geek" from "Sixteen Candles," I had to check my calendar to ensure we were safely in 2012. But then again, I'm not even sure these folks acknowledge the irony of their actions: the median age for both Emily and her bachelors is 27, meaning they would have been in utero or not yet conceived when John Hughes' classic hit the big screen. God I feel old.

Thankfully, Emily seems pretty grounded. Yes, she has a dramatic story. She has a sweet little girl that I like to call Ricky Bobby and a very cool make-up storage case in her bathroom. (Container Store, perhaps? Thanks for pointing that out, Nieva!) And she likes to wear pink - lots of pink - and brush the "sugar bugs" out of Ricky Bobby's teeth at night. The think I like the least about Emily is how she gets her 7-year old daughter to bed at 7:30pm, when that is the time we are starting bubble tub for our two-year old. Really, Emily? Can you write a parenting book after you find your Prince Charming? Us sad sacks are really in need of your wisdom.

They were kind enough to skip the Brad-Womack-part of the story fairly quickly - Brad's a cad, blah, blah. But as for her future suitors? Let's just say I wrote the word "douchebag" no less than 11 times in my notes. Has reality TV jumped the shark? Are these really the best guys ABC could find? And let's face it - Emily is gorgeous. There is no question about that. She possesses just enough Southern sass to make her interesting, while her outside is darn near flawless. She looks like a walking, talking Barbie doll. And Brian, my trusty Bachelor/ette sidekick (clearly he forgot his New Year's resolution - shh!), provided a very helpful deciphering of Guy Code to help me better understand the contestants motivations.

For example: when they say, "She's so genuine," it means, she's so hot.

- She's so down-to-earth: she's smoking hot

- She's so funny! = she is the hottest girl that has ever spoken to me

and finally,

- I really feel a bond with her = I want to touch her boobies

Thank you, Brian, for your indispensible help, and proving once again, men are a very, very complicated species.

Okay, on to the dudes. Some stand-outs? The guy that did the jig coming out of the limo (Joe)  made me laugh, though I wrote "douchebag" next to his name. Arie is smokin' hot, though ABC really had to play the race driver card? Really? He was nice to let her know early on, and you could tell she was surprised. I hope these two are able to work through whatever weird feelings that might bring up, because I like him and dub him a front-runner.

Aaron the bio teacher had a cheesy line, but I liked him. Be sure to not confuse Alejandro with Alessandro; one is from Brazil, the other is from Colombia (I'm already lost). Boombox guy (Magic Mike) lost me with that green shirt and the strange dance moves were horrifying. (she has a child! Some respect, please!) Dear Charlie has a traumatic brain injury from a fall off of a balcony, but he has the world's cutest bull dog (aside from Teddy Bullfeathers) and I give him a cautious thumbs-up. Ryan, the sports trainer, also appears competent with caring for animals AND children, so he gets a thumbs up as well.

Kalon. Oh, Kalon. Where do we begin? Next to his name, I had written: CHRISTIAN GREY. CHARLIE TANGO. BDSM. DOUCHEBAG!

I hope he proves me wrong. Helicopter, my butt. Pffft.

There's a dude in the mix named John but claims his friends call him Wolf. (Run, Emily, run!) Travis saw fit to cart around an ostrich egg for the entire night, proving his ability to care for Emily and Ricky Bobby AND pass a high school health class. (who had to do that? I went to Catholic high school so we just pretended babies came from storks. There was no advanced planning). I was praying that egg would break half-way through the night, just so Travis could come up with just another dumb line ("Life is messy...and sometimes you get scrambled up! You will always eat a good breakfast if you pick me!") to tell Emily.

In the end, though, it was David-tuck-your-shirt-in, Jackson the two-thumbed fitness model, Lerone the sole African-American in the group (nice try, ABC), Randy-the-creepy-grandmother, Jacques Cousteau, I mean, Jean-Paul, and Brent, the dad of six (SIX!) kids, who were sent home. They cried, they lamented, they showed their abs. And Lerone's exit interview was strangely absent. Boo, ABC. Boo.

My early predictions? Arie, just because he has nice eyes. Doug, he-of-the-first-impression-rose, and Jef that has some legs. I'm curious to know who calls Ricky Bobby "baggage." And finally, I really, really want to know...now that Chris Harrison is single, is he next in line to be the Bachelor? Could we be so lucky??